I forgot my blog existed...

Well life is hectic.

My life involves working 50 hours a week and certainly not seeing the money to reflect it.

My life involves having to act like a mommy 10 hours a day and being the gossip of the kids preschool for the first few weeks since all the moms thought I had 3 kids at 19. No I am not that stupid but I hate that people even judged me by that, that they just assumed.I hate how people just see things and they assume instantly, without even asking even a simple question.

My life is filled with love.

Love for God has been replenished when I felt like I had lost it all summer. I thought God wasn't really with me and now I know for sure that he certainly is working in my life in impeccable ways.This summer was a rollercoaster ride, it was like getting to the top never stopping smiling and then the instant I got fired it was like the tracks didn't exist anymore. I was so broken about getting fired, so broken about leaving a place that I had loved in 3 short weeks and feeling like a failure most of all. I got into such a bad spot on that long train ride home, thought about ending it all for the first time in a long time and thought about cutting, but I didn't. God kept me safe that long train ride no matter how sick I got from the stress and from the crying, God gave me the nicest conductor who had remembered me from the trip out there and gave me atleast a sense of security. Thank God for texting and the encouragement people gave me through the train ride. If it weren't for those things I wouldn't be in as good fo a spot as I am now.God gave me wonderful aunts who helped me still have a good summer, and a wonderful boy and friends to see for the 2 weeks I was home between my two trips.

I feel love for my boyfriend too. He makes me feel so perfect, so loved and so happy being me. My boyfriend is what helps me keep my sanity, he knows what to say, and when to say it. I know that he and I will be spending the rest of our life together, as he calls me his "future fiance" which is a big step. Sometimes I get nervous about it all but when I pray about it I know it will all be great. My boy is the love of my life and that is fact, and I know he was put into my life for that, he was put there to comfort me and remind me fo who I am and listen to em rant about everything and anything; and in return I do the same. God put him in my life to hold his hand and feel like nothing in the world could hurt me, like together we can do anything. In 27 days it will officially be ONE YEAR since he and I started dating. He knew me though all my struggles in the last 2 years, he may not have known me well until a year ago in the healing stage, but I certainly would not be as healed as I am today if God hadn't blessed me with him.

I feel love for my family. My parents and siblings may sometimes drive me insane, btu I love them no matter what. They are a great support system and sometimes just brutally honest. I was blessed to spend 5 weeks with my cousins and it was amazing to jsut be with them everyday. I still miss being there and waking up to my cousin walking into my room with the dog just because shes hoping I'll wake up, or jumping on the trampoline until the mosquitoes eat us alive. Baking in the kitchen and making delicious goodies for everyone was a pleasure too. Being in Maine was beautiful,sometimes nerve-racking having to go into town or drive down the road just to simply be able to chekc texts or make a phonecall to that loving boyfriend. Or to have to always be with others when I just needed some time to myself to reflect and write.

I feel love for my church too!PCC is a place that has helped me grow so much over the years, it has helped me from nto beign sure if I even believed in God to a point where I know that I need him and I try to improve my life and the things that I do for him. I have a home away from home, where I can be me, where I can be broken and nobody is going to be upset about it, but are going to grab some duct tape and put me back together. PCC is moving up, it is more together than it was ever before, the teens and the adults are taught as one unit on Sundays, instead of our seperate buildings and the awkwardness for some(me atleast) when we would have that random service in the "big church". 2010 brought a lot of changes for us, but we are still a place filled with love and people ready to help fix you with duct tape, people ready to listen and give you advice to the best of their ability, people honest enough to tell you when you're being an idiot. People acknowledging a broken community, a broken world and realizing that we're not alone with our struggles. My church family has helped me through the worst when I have been the worst. They have turned my life around and visited me in places many wouldn't expect. After all fo the lies and pain I caused they still cared enough to tell me that I was loved and that I mattered when that was the last thing I thought I deserved, when I thought I was worthless. PCC is the place to be =)

I have such a blessed life and somtimes, well most fo the time I whine and complain. I complain about working which is basically complaining about having a job; I complain about not being able to see my boyfriend, when I should be happy I have one; and I complain about every single thing in between, parents drama, everything.

I need to see the good in life as many of us do. Sometimes we need someone to yell at us and remind us that our life is good, but atleast we are capable of acknowledging it.