Today marks 3 years since I tried to kill myself. Some days it feels like it was yesterday,and others it feels like it was forever ago.
I am so happy to be alive,and love the life I am living now. I praise God for the work he has done in my life, and for the things he will continue to do in my life. I am truly blessed to still be here, when every doctor has told me that I shouldn't be, God saves. I finally told all of my really close friends that I had met in August about the fact that I did try to kill myself, it was just last weekend that they had found out. They didn't judge, but were encouraging and loving and truly showed me that I am appreciated. It is very rare that people tell me I am that important.
God is amazing, that I can testify. It get's better, and I hope many people can realize that one day.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, July 17, 2011
weight
I have always been one to struggle with my weight.
I was a normal sized child up until about 5th grade.
That was when I started eating more, started going out on secret lunches more often with my Dad. And what can I say? Food tasted good.
It got worse in 7th grade, I gained ALOT of weight in middle school. I was bullied and I tried to eat away the pain. And I ate when I was bored. I ate too much. All of which created the person I am today. The person who struggles with that battle. I still love food, and that is something that I'm sure will stay the same.
I lost a good amount of weight in the first two months of this year. But as I spent more times with friends and more time going out to eat with them the weight came back and my hard work was ruined by my own bad decisions. I am done making bad decisions! I want to be a better and healthier me. I am tired of feeling the way in which I have for many years. I want to be average, I want to be able to look in the mirror and feel fit and beautiful.
I know it's hard work, but this time I'm not going to be eating out once I get something accomplished. I don't want to be this way forever, it has already been too long. I want to make better decisions when it comes to my health. I know there is a major difference between saying and doing, but today I have made a set of guidelines for myself. And pop has been cut out of my life in the process.
I want to finish my first semester of college looking the best I have in my life, I want to go back to being the average weight, because I know that will help bring up my confidence. And luckily I'm going to be off of the medication that has helped me gain some of the weight that I have gained.
I'm excited yet scared for the work ahead of me. I know it's going to suck at times, but in the end it'll be so worth it.
I was a normal sized child up until about 5th grade.
That was when I started eating more, started going out on secret lunches more often with my Dad. And what can I say? Food tasted good.
It got worse in 7th grade, I gained ALOT of weight in middle school. I was bullied and I tried to eat away the pain. And I ate when I was bored. I ate too much. All of which created the person I am today. The person who struggles with that battle. I still love food, and that is something that I'm sure will stay the same.
I lost a good amount of weight in the first two months of this year. But as I spent more times with friends and more time going out to eat with them the weight came back and my hard work was ruined by my own bad decisions. I am done making bad decisions! I want to be a better and healthier me. I am tired of feeling the way in which I have for many years. I want to be average, I want to be able to look in the mirror and feel fit and beautiful.
I know it's hard work, but this time I'm not going to be eating out once I get something accomplished. I don't want to be this way forever, it has already been too long. I want to make better decisions when it comes to my health. I know there is a major difference between saying and doing, but today I have made a set of guidelines for myself. And pop has been cut out of my life in the process.
I want to finish my first semester of college looking the best I have in my life, I want to go back to being the average weight, because I know that will help bring up my confidence. And luckily I'm going to be off of the medication that has helped me gain some of the weight that I have gained.
I'm excited yet scared for the work ahead of me. I know it's going to suck at times, but in the end it'll be so worth it.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
one of THOSE days
I think today was one of those days that just wasn't meant to go well.
Work was crazier and more draining than usual as it was only me with 18 kids practically the entire time and the 18 kids took every single opportunity to complain and not listen. All the other groups had the same amount of kids and 3-4 counselors atleast with them. It was hard and after five hours in the sun all I wanted was to sleep.
I have also come to realize that the school I plan to attend in the Fall may not be possible due to the lack of finances. I'd rather not continue community college but it seems to be my only choice.
And my plans for my day off have changed as my friend cancelled on me. It hurts. I hate to be canccelled on as it reminds me of dating Gianni and how that was a constant thing.
My brain hurts today. It hurts to think of how everything I hoped for in just 5 weeks may not happen.
Finances suck but even if the cosigner were to work out maybe this obstacle was created for me to think it fully though. I can get mroe classes at a cheaper rate out of the way, but idk. I've hoped to move out for so long.
Work was crazier and more draining than usual as it was only me with 18 kids practically the entire time and the 18 kids took every single opportunity to complain and not listen. All the other groups had the same amount of kids and 3-4 counselors atleast with them. It was hard and after five hours in the sun all I wanted was to sleep.
I have also come to realize that the school I plan to attend in the Fall may not be possible due to the lack of finances. I'd rather not continue community college but it seems to be my only choice.
And my plans for my day off have changed as my friend cancelled on me. It hurts. I hate to be canccelled on as it reminds me of dating Gianni and how that was a constant thing.
My brain hurts today. It hurts to think of how everything I hoped for in just 5 weeks may not happen.
Finances suck but even if the cosigner were to work out maybe this obstacle was created for me to think it fully though. I can get mroe classes at a cheaper rate out of the way, but idk. I've hoped to move out for so long.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
the forgotten
I simply dont know anymore. Only just over two months until I move into my dorm, I have a feeling that everything will be all better then, that I will have plans aroudn school againa nd that I will make new friends, ones that actually want to see me and be around me as it seems the ones I already have dont. Every weekend practically since the breakup I have been home, doing nothing and it sucks.
I don't miss the relationship anymore, but it created this thing to do, this person to be with on my weekends and now I have no one. My friends never want to make plans or when we try they simply fall through. All around me people plan things, friends that I hang with will plan things with other people I am friends with and simply "forget to add me in".
I am the forgotten, I am the girl who sits at home on a saturday folding laundry and watching movies with her parents and IT SUCKS!I want to be the girl who goes out, and simply smiles all the time, the one who gets to see her friends every weekend and be involved in the plans, I want to be no longer forgotten or left out.
I certainly hope this changes soon, it is summer and I really do want to enjoy it, hopefully things will change, and they certainly should be changed once I move into my dorm. I am so looking forward to that.
It's depressing to feel as alone as I do, and there is nothing that I can do to stop this feeling, I try to make plans but they never seem to work out.
Hopefully I will get the job that I most recently applied for seeing that I am done working with my current family in a matter of days.That will get me out of this funk, it will be something I love and I will get to meet new people out of it and hopefully provide some inspiration for kids lives.
I don't miss the relationship anymore, but it created this thing to do, this person to be with on my weekends and now I have no one. My friends never want to make plans or when we try they simply fall through. All around me people plan things, friends that I hang with will plan things with other people I am friends with and simply "forget to add me in".
I am the forgotten, I am the girl who sits at home on a saturday folding laundry and watching movies with her parents and IT SUCKS!I want to be the girl who goes out, and simply smiles all the time, the one who gets to see her friends every weekend and be involved in the plans, I want to be no longer forgotten or left out.
I certainly hope this changes soon, it is summer and I really do want to enjoy it, hopefully things will change, and they certainly should be changed once I move into my dorm. I am so looking forward to that.
It's depressing to feel as alone as I do, and there is nothing that I can do to stop this feeling, I try to make plans but they never seem to work out.
Hopefully I will get the job that I most recently applied for seeing that I am done working with my current family in a matter of days.That will get me out of this funk, it will be something I love and I will get to meet new people out of it and hopefully provide some inspiration for kids lives.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
two whole years. =)
Last week I celebrated two years since I had attempted. Now I realize tha tthis is a weird day to celebrate and it is a day that many fo this world don't have because most people don't try killing themselves at the age of 17.
I am a different story though, I took a different walk fo life and at this point in my life two years ago I saw no point in living. I thought that by ending it all I would be doing all of the people who cared about me a favor. I can still remember everything so vividly, the thoughts and the feelings that were going through my head and my heart. I never thought that I would have ever reached that point but I did and when I did I acted on it.
It is a miracle of God that I am still alive. This is something that when i became concious in the hospital eeryone made sure that I heard it. Everyday leading up to my discharge I was told how gifted I was that I had lived through such a serious attempt, and that they never saw people after the attempt I made.
I appreciate life all that I can now. I ahve been through intense therapy and have been on medications that help my body deal with everything. Earlier this week, on Monday just one day after I had celebrated two years of a good mental state I was deemed safe enough to be taken off one of my major medications. After having been on this medication for two years the withdrawal is a tad intense. God has granted me with the strength to get through this stage and I am going to do it.
Life has been crazy lately and I havent been dealing with it as easily as I would have liked. I still miss the relationship I spent 16 months in and it simple doesn't seem to be getting any easier.
Life is hard, this I know. But God granted me life and I am going to get though it no matter how hard it gets!
I am a different story though, I took a different walk fo life and at this point in my life two years ago I saw no point in living. I thought that by ending it all I would be doing all of the people who cared about me a favor. I can still remember everything so vividly, the thoughts and the feelings that were going through my head and my heart. I never thought that I would have ever reached that point but I did and when I did I acted on it.
It is a miracle of God that I am still alive. This is something that when i became concious in the hospital eeryone made sure that I heard it. Everyday leading up to my discharge I was told how gifted I was that I had lived through such a serious attempt, and that they never saw people after the attempt I made.
I appreciate life all that I can now. I ahve been through intense therapy and have been on medications that help my body deal with everything. Earlier this week, on Monday just one day after I had celebrated two years of a good mental state I was deemed safe enough to be taken off one of my major medications. After having been on this medication for two years the withdrawal is a tad intense. God has granted me with the strength to get through this stage and I am going to do it.
Life has been crazy lately and I havent been dealing with it as easily as I would have liked. I still miss the relationship I spent 16 months in and it simple doesn't seem to be getting any easier.
Life is hard, this I know. But God granted me life and I am going to get though it no matter how hard it gets!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
lately
To be simply honest and blunt, this week has sucked. I got my heart broken by someone whom I thought loved me. I thought that we were going to get married and that everything was going to be perfect. We had been dating for 16 months and he and I had been my first relationship from being in a new mental state so to say. I trusted this guy so much, and I gave him my heart, I put my all in this relationship because he was so great to me. His family put some complications in the relationship but we worked through them, that part sucked but he was worth it.
Everyone is worried as to how I am doing, which I mean knowing my past they can reasonably be so. I am fine, cranky and hurt and confused yes, but emotionally I can handle it. I have the support system that I need and so alas I will hang in there. I guess restarting therapy again a month ago was a very good thing as I potentially need that support even more right now.
I may not understand many things right now, but what I do understand is that God is there and so are my friends and family. I am hurt that things went the way they did. I wish I saw it coming, I wish that maybe he would have ended it a better way, I wish that maybe just maybe he would have had a real conversation with me, that he would answer questions, instead of asking me to not contact him in the text that came after the facebook change. It sucks, it all honestly just sucks. I wish that breakups were easy, but the fact that I loved him makes it so mcuh harder.
Everyone is worried as to how I am doing, which I mean knowing my past they can reasonably be so. I am fine, cranky and hurt and confused yes, but emotionally I can handle it. I have the support system that I need and so alas I will hang in there. I guess restarting therapy again a month ago was a very good thing as I potentially need that support even more right now.
I may not understand many things right now, but what I do understand is that God is there and so are my friends and family. I am hurt that things went the way they did. I wish I saw it coming, I wish that maybe he would have ended it a better way, I wish that maybe just maybe he would have had a real conversation with me, that he would answer questions, instead of asking me to not contact him in the text that came after the facebook change. It sucks, it all honestly just sucks. I wish that breakups were easy, but the fact that I loved him makes it so mcuh harder.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
a fathers love
After reading a letter I am sure I shouldn't I have realized many things.
I have come to realize that maybe, just maybe I am the reason why my brother doesn't appreciate my father. It is my fault that my brother was restricted from things in the last few years. When things about my past came out and I started therapy it was recommended to my parents that my brother not be over as my mind and I got along horribly when he was there, so my parents listened for the sake of my mental health. And so for a few months my brother was not over and was not invited to our family vacation because a full week in the same house would have put me over the edge. I was the one who was still a kid technically, I was 16 and 17 at the time so I had to come first since he was an adult. I was the one in therapy and with obvious mental problems so my parents listened to what people told them to do to help me.
He was able to come over again after I had felt ready. But when I attempted my parents knew I wouldn't be able to handle him being there and so my parents said he was not able to visit me at the hospital. That was appreciated by me as I did not want to even see my parents for that matter. I was not in a good emotional state and I was nto able to handle any thing else thrown at me.
All of that and my needs has caused my father and brothers relationship to be strained. It has caused my brother to think that out of the three of us that my father loved him the least, but that certainly is not true. I remember the pain in my fathers eyes when sunday came around and my brother wasn't there. When we went on vacation and he thought of how fun it would have been to have all of the family. When it had been over a month since we had seen my niece. I am sorry for messing up things between them. I am sorry for that. I wish my brother could be so convinced that my father does love him just as much as he loves my sister and I. I know my father does and it pains me to know he doesn't.
I have come to realize that maybe, just maybe I am the reason why my brother doesn't appreciate my father. It is my fault that my brother was restricted from things in the last few years. When things about my past came out and I started therapy it was recommended to my parents that my brother not be over as my mind and I got along horribly when he was there, so my parents listened for the sake of my mental health. And so for a few months my brother was not over and was not invited to our family vacation because a full week in the same house would have put me over the edge. I was the one who was still a kid technically, I was 16 and 17 at the time so I had to come first since he was an adult. I was the one in therapy and with obvious mental problems so my parents listened to what people told them to do to help me.
He was able to come over again after I had felt ready. But when I attempted my parents knew I wouldn't be able to handle him being there and so my parents said he was not able to visit me at the hospital. That was appreciated by me as I did not want to even see my parents for that matter. I was not in a good emotional state and I was nto able to handle any thing else thrown at me.
All of that and my needs has caused my father and brothers relationship to be strained. It has caused my brother to think that out of the three of us that my father loved him the least, but that certainly is not true. I remember the pain in my fathers eyes when sunday came around and my brother wasn't there. When we went on vacation and he thought of how fun it would have been to have all of the family. When it had been over a month since we had seen my niece. I am sorry for messing up things between them. I am sorry for that. I wish my brother could be so convinced that my father does love him just as much as he loves my sister and I. I know my father does and it pains me to know he doesn't.
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