Today was one of those days where I did not want to get out of bed. I knew that my brother was coming over today and so I hoped to just sleep the day away. I know that sounds depressing, but it's simply what I wanted to do. I had no hope in today being a good day in any way,shape, or form.
I got out of bed at noon. This my father was not happy about, but greeted me in my "morning" with a nice list of things I needed to get done before my brother and nieces were to come over. I was not happy about this. I dont think I should have to clean for the person that I can not stand to see. I was already having flashbacks and he hadn't even gotten to our house. That made it impossible for hope of a good day.I simply wish that my brain would just turn off, and stop bothering me.
My boyfriend was awesome and stopped by when he got out of work because he knew I was already dreading today. I was so happy to see him, but not happy when just a few minutes later my brother and them were all walking through the door.I was just hoping that my brother would not be a douche towards my boyfriend because I knew that it would not end well. My boyfriend and I played basketball for a while, but then the coldness set in and we decided to go inside and stop avoiding the person i did not want to see. My boyfriend knew I just was not having a good time and he was so caring, and talked and made it seem like my brother wasn't there at all. MY brain wasn't allowing it much, and kept making me remember all of the crap with my brother.
We ate dinner and it was just simply awkward. This was the first time that my boyfriend and brother met, and my sister in-law kept saying hwo my brother should follow all of the things that my boyfriend was doing. After my boyfriend had left I put my focus towards my nieces, I needed to distract myself with as much as possible. The distractions weren't working, but I tried to put on my "happy, everythings great!"face.
The day was just not going well, seeing my boyfriend was nice but it didn't keep my brain from rambling.I got online and started talkign to my boyfriend. He told me that he had found a song that would definitely cheer me up, when I heard it was from a video game I didn't believe him. When he found the perfect youtube video I clicked on the link and listened to see if he was right.This is the song:
I listened to it and halfway trhough I had tears in my eyes. It was so perfect and so what I needed. He is perfect, he knows how to cheer me up and he loves me for who I am. And for him to tell me he loves me even with all of my mistakes and imperfections is a true miracle in my eyes. When I told him this he wrote two things :There are no words to describe true love, only a feeling that can't be replaced.
True love ignores all imperfections and focuses on the flawless qualities. I knew then and there that he is definitely the right person for me. That song and the things he said and how he can just read my brain is so amazing. I wanted to just cuddle with him and just hold his hand and be there with him. I tell him I love him and I know that I mean it, I can feel it in my heart, its the way I feel when I'm around him,how my heart simply skips a beat, or how we can just look into eachothers eyes for a long time and feel so much more connected. It's scary to say but after tonight I can totally see myself marrying this boy. Which is exciting and terrifying at the same time.
Today was horrible and perfect at the same time. I know it does not make sense, but that's the only way to describe it.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
lots of thoughts!
Thought #1:
Two months and five days. Two months and five days until I leave, well until I arrive in West Virginia. I'm excited and nervous and simply confused at times. I am excited for the fact that I will be working with kids all summer and in a beautiful area meeting lots of new people from all around the world. I'm nervous simply because I will be far away from all of those people that I love so dearly and out of what has become my "comfort zone"; my parents make me nervous be ause they keep asking questions as though they do not think that I am capable of being away from home for three months, they think that I will get depressed, which in turn begins to worry me that I will. I will miss all of the people at my church and that boy who makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Thought #2:
Just about a year ago I finished writing a book. This book was about my whole hospital experience. I at first wrote this book because it was what my counselor had told me that I needed to do, and so I did. At first I didn't think I would write a book, but by the time I had written for jusft afew days out of everything I decided to turn it into a book, about the whole experience of being in the hospital. I finished the book only a short while after my last day at the hospital and figured that was accomplishment enough. I wrote like I would normally do in my journal after that. It wasn't until about a month ago that I decided to re-write the book that I had already written, feeling the OCD and perfectionism habits in my life. I started rewriting it and this week, three nights ago I felt like God was finally telling me something about thatbook. He was telling me that there was something that was going to be totally different about it this time around. And after I read what I had started typing I realized that it was alreayd a totally different book, it still had all of the same facts, but there was a total change of heart in it for me. I was crying three nights ago because I realized that this book to me was now all about CHANGE, and no, not the change that everybody keeps mocking Obama for. This change was the type of mental and emotional change that has happened in my heart over the last year, as the depression subsided and something that I hadnt felt in a long time came out. That something was Happiness. I have been happy, truly and totally happy. Now I'm nto saying I don't still struggle with depression or that my brain has simply turned off, because that would be lying to myself and the invisible person I am writing to. I probably will always struggle with depression, but the way in which I handle it and how I let it pass is something that is totally different. It is surprising to me when people tell me that I am a different person, because I think I am most fo the time, but I don't really think its all too apparent. Everybody says I'm so much happier than before, they can see it in the way I interact, but I always thought I hid my depression well, I guess I was wrong.
So my book, that will be done eventually, that may have many editions is all about my life, and that may seem boring, butr I'd like to think that my life is interesting, and this is nto my life as somebody else would observe it, but it's all about my deep thoughts, how I perceive everything, and well you will get a taste of what it is to get inside my brain and maybe you too will see the change that I have seen in myself.
I rant alot if you haven't noticed, this is nothing compared to what my brain does to me,and there's only one rant so far after being about 100 pages into this book, the revised and mucho better edition.
Talk to you later invisible person.
Two months and five days. Two months and five days until I leave, well until I arrive in West Virginia. I'm excited and nervous and simply confused at times. I am excited for the fact that I will be working with kids all summer and in a beautiful area meeting lots of new people from all around the world. I'm nervous simply because I will be far away from all of those people that I love so dearly and out of what has become my "comfort zone"; my parents make me nervous be ause they keep asking questions as though they do not think that I am capable of being away from home for three months, they think that I will get depressed, which in turn begins to worry me that I will. I will miss all of the people at my church and that boy who makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Thought #2:
Just about a year ago I finished writing a book. This book was about my whole hospital experience. I at first wrote this book because it was what my counselor had told me that I needed to do, and so I did. At first I didn't think I would write a book, but by the time I had written for jusft afew days out of everything I decided to turn it into a book, about the whole experience of being in the hospital. I finished the book only a short while after my last day at the hospital and figured that was accomplishment enough. I wrote like I would normally do in my journal after that. It wasn't until about a month ago that I decided to re-write the book that I had already written, feeling the OCD and perfectionism habits in my life. I started rewriting it and this week, three nights ago I felt like God was finally telling me something about thatbook. He was telling me that there was something that was going to be totally different about it this time around. And after I read what I had started typing I realized that it was alreayd a totally different book, it still had all of the same facts, but there was a total change of heart in it for me. I was crying three nights ago because I realized that this book to me was now all about CHANGE, and no, not the change that everybody keeps mocking Obama for. This change was the type of mental and emotional change that has happened in my heart over the last year, as the depression subsided and something that I hadnt felt in a long time came out. That something was Happiness. I have been happy, truly and totally happy. Now I'm nto saying I don't still struggle with depression or that my brain has simply turned off, because that would be lying to myself and the invisible person I am writing to. I probably will always struggle with depression, but the way in which I handle it and how I let it pass is something that is totally different. It is surprising to me when people tell me that I am a different person, because I think I am most fo the time, but I don't really think its all too apparent. Everybody says I'm so much happier than before, they can see it in the way I interact, but I always thought I hid my depression well, I guess I was wrong.
So my book, that will be done eventually, that may have many editions is all about my life, and that may seem boring, butr I'd like to think that my life is interesting, and this is nto my life as somebody else would observe it, but it's all about my deep thoughts, how I perceive everything, and well you will get a taste of what it is to get inside my brain and maybe you too will see the change that I have seen in myself.
I rant alot if you haven't noticed, this is nothing compared to what my brain does to me,and there's only one rant so far after being about 100 pages into this book, the revised and mucho better edition.
Talk to you later invisible person.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
=]
I love the way he plays with my hair
I love how we can just sit and talk and talk and talk
I love how he understands me
I love that feeling I get just by looking into his eyes
I love falling asleep in his arms
I love how open he is with me
I love everything about him, I know what love really is now, and Love is something so amazing, so refreshing, and something that God has gifted me with.
Today had been a great day, thanks to all fo the people I love, to friends and to my special someone who makes me feel all tingly inside=) <3
I love how we can just sit and talk and talk and talk
I love how he understands me
I love that feeling I get just by looking into his eyes
I love falling asleep in his arms
I love how open he is with me
I love everything about him, I know what love really is now, and Love is something so amazing, so refreshing, and something that God has gifted me with.
Today had been a great day, thanks to all fo the people I love, to friends and to my special someone who makes me feel all tingly inside=) <3
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
bluh ugh.
These last few days have not been ones that I have been enjoying. I have been crying ore than I want and I just want it all to be over with. I feel like my depression might be kicking in again and that scares me like crazy. I was excited for this summer but then people keep asking me questions and telling me it's okay if I can't be away that long and that it won't be a failure for me to come back home, and that just shows soo much about how much they beleive in me and think I am capable of being gone for 3 months. Everything seems to be irritating me and my brain is not y friend. Today was supposed to be a one year HAPPY celebration fo the day I took my last step in the mental health unit at St. JO. it was the day I cleared out my tiny locker and took the elevator down. The day my counselor there ade me feel so ready, so proud and so accomplished. I was a serious attempt and I had any things to deal with while there, and I accomplished doing so and felt ready for the world. NOw I feel like I'm lost again. I have been out of therapy for 2 months and thigns were going amazingly until this week. I need spring break. I need it desperately. I need God to stop the flashbacks. I need encouragement. I need somebody to show that they beleive in me and that I a capable of being gone for this summer. SOrry for my typo filled rant to the imaginary person that reads this. oh so sorry.
Friday, March 12, 2010
SUMMER!
I am getting more and more excited for this summer! Every single time I look at the camps website or talk to people from there I knwo ti is going to be a great summer. I will miss all of my friends and my boyfriend especially, but this summer is going to be the time of my life.I will get to work with children which is my passion, it is what I feel God has created me to do, to enlighten kids and I know this summer will be a great experience working with girls. I'm also uber excited for the fact that most of my coworkers will be from around the world, from places like Australia and England! I am so excited to be able to meet different people and build relationships and just be able to enjoy life for all that it is this summer.
I may be a tad nervous at points as to how I will handle being away from my friends that I love so much. Also being away from the things that have been so comforting and usual to me. My parents are very nervous about this too and keep stressing about it. I knwo that they are nervous and I know that they are worried and I know they will continue to be until I leave and especially while I am there. This will be my longest time away from home, and that is scary, but its also going to be a sign that I am ready to go away to college in 2011.
I know that God is going to work in my life and especially this summer! It is going to be amazing and exciting and something new!! :]
I may be a tad nervous at points as to how I will handle being away from my friends that I love so much. Also being away from the things that have been so comforting and usual to me. My parents are very nervous about this too and keep stressing about it. I knwo that they are nervous and I know that they are worried and I know they will continue to be until I leave and especially while I am there. This will be my longest time away from home, and that is scary, but its also going to be a sign that I am ready to go away to college in 2011.
I know that God is going to work in my life and especially this summer! It is going to be amazing and exciting and something new!! :]
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
SPRING!
It is spring outside, and I had what many refer to as spring fever.I decided that even thought it was drizzling outside to go ride my bike, something that I had not done since the end of the summer. I finally got my bike down after much struggle because of how my dad hung it and was excited to be able to ride it. The tires were a tad flat like usual after the winter, but I was unable to locate the air pump and decided to just give up on that.
I was going to go for a nice little bike ride down to the river and back, a bike ride that was so easy to do in the summer. Before I was even halfway there I felt tired, and I didn't think it was possible, I mean that was the easy ride compared to some of the others ones I did. I was a little upset with the fact that I was already tired on such a simple ride. I guess thats what happens when youre in the house all winter. I guess I just need to give it time and just ride my bike more often now that it is spring and get my muscles back to what they were used to.
Go outside and enjoy spring for all that it is!! Winter seems to be gone!!
I was going to go for a nice little bike ride down to the river and back, a bike ride that was so easy to do in the summer. Before I was even halfway there I felt tired, and I didn't think it was possible, I mean that was the easy ride compared to some of the others ones I did. I was a little upset with the fact that I was already tired on such a simple ride. I guess thats what happens when youre in the house all winter. I guess I just need to give it time and just ride my bike more often now that it is spring and get my muscles back to what they were used to.
Go outside and enjoy spring for all that it is!! Winter seems to be gone!!
nervous
I'm nervous for tomorrow, and the plans I have for it.
I plan to talk to a friend that I used to be able to talk to about everything, but the I messed up.
Tomorrow will be the first time we REALLY talk in over a year.
I'm nervous, but excited.
I hope God gives me the words and the strength needed.
I'm the one who planned this talk and I'm nervous, I hope they aren't as nervous as me.
Tomorrow shall be interesting, and hopefully a great day.
I plan to talk to a friend that I used to be able to talk to about everything, but the I messed up.
Tomorrow will be the first time we REALLY talk in over a year.
I'm nervous, but excited.
I hope God gives me the words and the strength needed.
I'm the one who planned this talk and I'm nervous, I hope they aren't as nervous as me.
Tomorrow shall be interesting, and hopefully a great day.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Love
You're there for me. No matter what. No matter how much I mess up. No matter how hard I fall, and that brings me to tears. Tears of joy, tears from grace. You put your one and only son on the cross, something that must've been so hard to do, something that only you are strong enough to do. And you are just so amazing, so compelling and so uprising. I feel the love you've put in my life, through the people around me and the people I spend my days with. I know what love is thanks to you. Its being there, through the good and the bad. And I feel so grateful for all you've given. So stinking grateful.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
PMS Fest
This weekend was a super challenging and exciting weekend. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel going into this weekend, because it had been the one year anniversary since I had tried to kill myself. I was already frustrated when the trip had started simply because I was late because my car needed to get fixed and it was not liking me. I got to the church and just was happy to have finally started the trip, but felt absolutely horrible for holding everybody up.
We got in our cars and headed on the road. I was sitting next to somebody I hadn't really known all too well. We were just talking and she had mentioned that she was originally from south Carolina. We all then of course had to ask her why she would leave such a warm state and go to the windy city to freeze. She then gave an answer that I certainly expected, she told us how she had originally come to our freezing states 3 years ago for treatment. That was something that I could relate to, to the whole reaching rock bottom and needing professional help, especially that weekend of all weekends. That got me into a more positive mood for the trip in an odd way, I knew that she would be somebody who would understand me and that maybe just maybe God was going to work in some unexpected ways that weekend.
We got to the house and it was absolutely beautiful, since we were the first group to get there out of the two groups we decided to just hangout after we went to go get the groceries for the weekend. We played some Uno Attack and also spoons and BS. It was fun to play and highly entertaining, while playing we decided to make some pizza, we had gotten 10 pizzas for the two groups combined, and the first group which was already smaller than the second group had somehow managed to eat five pizzas, we felt bad until they had called and let us know that they stopped at Wendy's anyway. It was really nice just simply hanging out with people, though slightly awkward because two of the people out of the eight that were already there were people that had not been on very good terms with me since the previous year. I understood why they wouldn't really want to be friends with me anymore, but it also still hurt, it still reminded me of how much I really did mess up.
The second group finally arrived and that's when things got to be very loud. We all sat in the living room many piled onto a couch others comfortingly onto the floor and listened as the rules were explained to us and how the schedule would be and how phones were to be on the mantle unless otherwise said. We said a prayer and started the first of two art projects that we had to work on for the weekend. The first project was one in which we each got a white pillowcase and wrote our names on it however we wanted so people could go and write one word to describe us the next night during the prayer labyrinth. We also got our small group assignments and I liked my small group simply because it had some of my best friends and also the girl in the car who I had felt connected with even though she certainly did not know it at the time.
I was working on my pillowcase and singing and talking to everybody and everything was going good, this was something I was very nervous about because I had known that many of them were hurt by my actions of the previous year. I wanted it to be a positive trip, but I was highly worried that it would not be. We all were singing and playing guitar together and just enjoying each other and it was nice, singing about God and how amazing he is and just being able to be in a nice house because somebody was so kind to open it up to a loud and messy group of girls. We did a group activity where we played connect the dots, the only problem being we had no idea on what it was supposed to make, or numbered dots, we each were to make a line without having any guidance or help. Our picture looked quite odd and was definitely an abstract one and could be interpreted as many things. The next thing we did was the same picture and same idea, but this time we had numbers and letters to help us make the picture. The picture was a cross with with a heart going around the middle. They then got to explain how we don't really know the path of life until God gives us some guidance.
It was lights out so I grabbed my phone and figured out where in the world I was going to be sleeping for that night.Since the couch that I had planned on sleeping in was already taken I just decided to go sleep on the floor upstairs with another person who didn't know that many people so she wouldn't be alone for the night.I decided to text Gianni since I love him and missed him already. He talked a little but it was late and of course he had to work in the morning so I just took my medication and went to sleep.
I woke up at five in the morning and knew that it had been a year, a whole year since the day I had tried to end it all. I couldn't get that out of my head, I felt accomplished that I had made it a year, but also upset with myself due to the fact that I had attempted in the first place. I knew that the day would be filled with mixed feelings, I just really did not want to let anybody else in on that. I shouldn't hold things in but sometimes that is much easier than having to explain everything, than having to go through making myself so vulnerable, and sound so broken, even though I knew I was, I didn't want others to know, to know how much I was hurting on the inside, how nervous I was to even talk to certain people, because I was so unsure if they had forgiven me yet. I hated not knowing, I hated being so nervous, and feeling so horrible about myself for it all. I didn't want to be depressed that weekend, I didn't want my stupid brain to think constantly about negative things, about all of my mistakes, because there were so many things that I had done well that I ignore. It seems that we only look at the bad in things, and the good is simply ignored.
It was soon breakfast time so I decided to be more lively and awake and try to tackle the day with a positive attitude. We all ate, some at a table, others at the couch, and some even on the floor. We listened to K-Love and sang along and danced at random moments. We were a very silly group of people. It was soon time for the first part of our plans for the day and so one of the college students who was also an adult leader shared with us some of her thoughts and struggles and how she had problems with trust as many people in her school were talking about her and spreading rumors about her, people she thought that she could trust were breaking it, and even her roommate was doing so. I knew how that was. Seeing that by the end of my senior year the entire high school was talking about my suicide attempt.
We broke into our small groups and ours stayed in the same room while others left. We were all trying to get to know each other and such, I felt like I at least knew everybody and so that was not awkward for me. We discussed what was shared moments before and the person who had shared in the car, decided to share her problems again with the eating disorder and depression and being hospitalized since nobody there knew her all too well at that point and we wanted to get to know something about each other. She was so open about her struggles in life, and that to me was amazing, was so encouraging ,strong and brave of her to do. It takes a whole lot of courage to be able to share your struggles and your past, I didn't have nearly as much courage as she did. We were all just talking, I didn't want to really talk about what was really going through my head so I just avoided it and made conversation otherwise.
It was our groups turn to make lunch for everybody so we each got to work in the kitchen, I got to cutting tomatoes for the tacos as the other members of the group got to clearing off the counters and getting the other ingredients out for our lunch. We also had to get the right amount of plates and silverware out for everybody in the process. I liked working in the kitchen, it was something that I was so used to doing since I was a kid. We finished cooking and called everybody in to eat, they stormed in and formed a long line so we had to wait patiently, since we were at the end of the line we got to sit on the floor and eat because any attempt at putting a glass at a spot at the table and getting somebody to not sit there was bound to fail. We sat on the floor and joked around. We all ate a lot it seemed, at least for girls, and even beginning to look like we ate a lot for boys at that point.
After lunch another adult leader shared, and it was interesting to see her share because her daughter was also in our group and I think that it is much harder to share things with family than it is to share with friends, but that may just be my opinion. After she had shared and explained that we all have our gifts from God, some come earlier in life and others you may find out later on that we just need to be patient with him and they will come to us, and God will never stop working in us. We broke into small groups again and we each were to fill out sheets according to what skills we thought that we had. We spent a good ten or twenty minutes filling out the sheets then we started to discuss our results with our group. On one of the sheets I was very mixed because we had to choose one side or the other, and that was hard for me because each side seemed to be half of what I did and so I would be stuck in the middle on both. I felt so undecided and unable to actually be on one side or the other. While going through our results everybody would tell me to try to pick one of the sides, which one I thought that I was the most. On the topic of which whether I was an introvert or an extrovert I chose introvert, simply because I was holding so many things inside my head and not telling anybody what was really on my head for that day, that I was really just thinking about my attempt the year before. They all said they saw me as an extrovert which was quite surprising to me. we then continued to talk about things and then i decided to be more open and I shared what was really going through my head and that I was just having a really off day due to the whole fact that I had attempted exactly one year before, and almost to the minute at that point in time. It was something that I will never be able to forget no matter how much I try, though I'm not too sure I should forget it. it was so nerve racking to e open, but it was also nice, again with the mixed feelings on things.
I had it on my mind and my heart on how much I really needed to be able to thank my parents and be able to tell them how thankful I am that they have been there so much for the last year.I decided to just break the no phone rule real quick and text my parents what was on my heart. I told them how much I appreciated what they have done for the last knowing that it certainly was not easy. I felt a whole lot better after that and while we were talking during dinner I explained to some people how weird it was to think that it had already been a year since I had attempted and how much different I felt and how much happier I was that I was there, I remember the person who had shared earlier that day rubbing my back in a caring way because I was beginning to tear up, of people mentioned that they couldn't get it out of their head either and that they were avoiding one of the rooms in the house because that was where a few of them were informed that I was in the intensive care unit for trying to kill myself., it hurt to hear them say that, that I was the reason they couldn't go somewhere.
We started the prayer labyrinth, which was one of the moments in the trip that you could totally see God working in. There was different rooms and each room had its own activity. I went to the prayer room first in the labyrinth because I really just wanted to be silent and pray and be able to enjoy things. I was able to just have a little conversation on God on why he decided to have so many mixed feelings going through my head and why I was just nervous about everything, it felt so nice to be able to pray and to be able to just be alone with God. I felt refreshed again and that things would be just fine, even though it may not have totally felt like it at that moment I knew that it would be okay because God was always there and he put some pretty spectacular people in my life.
The next room in the prayer labyrinth that I went to was in the basement, it was where the person who I connected to in the car was. She was talking and being so open about her struggles down there and we all were just sitting and listening and she was saying how she knew that God was working in her life and how it used to be hard for her to go back home because it reminded her of her past, but with time it got better and now she loves going home. We all started talking about our struggles and I mentioned that I had attempted the year before so I understand the whole reaching rock bottom thing. Some other girls shared their experiences of having to be in therapy and also having to be hospitalized, it was one of those moments where there was no possible way you could feel alone in your struggles. God put us all in that basement so he could help us see that it was okay, and that it was normal to struggle, but then we all talked about how much life has improved since we had let him back into our lives. Some people talked about their struggles with their parents and how they dealt with things involving that. My heart just felt so amazing at that point. I knew God would make me feel better and he certainly did.
The prayer labyrinth was soon over and we all met back up in the living room to do some debriefing and talking and singing some worship music together. I started trying to think of one word to describe my life, one word that I wanted to follow, because that was our second art project, we had to think of one word, write it our and decorate it however we wanted and then frame it. I was so stuck between so many words because God had been working so much in my life and I wasn't sure on what I really wanted to work on improving. I prayed about it and just hoped that he word put a word in my heart. By the end of the worship time I knew exactly what I wanted my word to be, I knew my word had to be GRATEFUL. Because that's exactly how I felt, I felt grateful for the people I had in my life especially my parents and my friends and I had so many blessings that the list could just go on and on. I started working on my word and wrote it out and was happy with how it looked and it was soon time to go to bed so I picked up my pillowcase that everybody had written on during part of the labyrinth and there were a few that stood out to me. FORGIVEN was written on my pillowcase three times, and I was hoping so much that it was a certain three people that I was best friends with the year before but when my depression got to its worst point they had a hard time with all of the things that I did so we lost touch and I was so nervous to be around them. I was so happy to see that and it was exactly what I needed to end my day, I was at tears to see that because that was what was bothering me the most about that day, was the people I hurt, and to see forgiven meant so much.
It was soon our last day of the trip and we all continued to work on our words and we had a prayer and worship service in the morning. It was an open time and we all mentioned our God moments of the weekend, me mentioning the pillowcase and what was written on it and how it was exactly what I needed, and also thanking car girl(haha) for being so open and raw with us that weekend. One if the people who I figured and hoped had written the forgiven then mentioned how she felt the same way I did how looking at the year before to this year was such a change, the year before not only I was broken, but she was broken, she was broken mostly because I tried to kill myself, and then for her to be so open about that and to say how that has changed made it so I just felt so loved, so blessed by God. By the time the weekend was over I felt so amazing, so rejuvenated and refreshed. my word and frame turned out to look much better than I could have ever wished for and I bonded with people I didn't expect to. I thought it would be a bad weekend but it turned out to be one of the best weekends of my life.
God works in amazing ways.
Give it time.
Pray about it.
He will work in you.
Trust in Him.
Expect the unexpected.
And love life for all that it is, even though it may be crazy and hard to deal with, in the end it is totally worth it!!!
We got in our cars and headed on the road. I was sitting next to somebody I hadn't really known all too well. We were just talking and she had mentioned that she was originally from south Carolina. We all then of course had to ask her why she would leave such a warm state and go to the windy city to freeze. She then gave an answer that I certainly expected, she told us how she had originally come to our freezing states 3 years ago for treatment. That was something that I could relate to, to the whole reaching rock bottom and needing professional help, especially that weekend of all weekends. That got me into a more positive mood for the trip in an odd way, I knew that she would be somebody who would understand me and that maybe just maybe God was going to work in some unexpected ways that weekend.
We got to the house and it was absolutely beautiful, since we were the first group to get there out of the two groups we decided to just hangout after we went to go get the groceries for the weekend. We played some Uno Attack and also spoons and BS. It was fun to play and highly entertaining, while playing we decided to make some pizza, we had gotten 10 pizzas for the two groups combined, and the first group which was already smaller than the second group had somehow managed to eat five pizzas, we felt bad until they had called and let us know that they stopped at Wendy's anyway. It was really nice just simply hanging out with people, though slightly awkward because two of the people out of the eight that were already there were people that had not been on very good terms with me since the previous year. I understood why they wouldn't really want to be friends with me anymore, but it also still hurt, it still reminded me of how much I really did mess up.
The second group finally arrived and that's when things got to be very loud. We all sat in the living room many piled onto a couch others comfortingly onto the floor and listened as the rules were explained to us and how the schedule would be and how phones were to be on the mantle unless otherwise said. We said a prayer and started the first of two art projects that we had to work on for the weekend. The first project was one in which we each got a white pillowcase and wrote our names on it however we wanted so people could go and write one word to describe us the next night during the prayer labyrinth. We also got our small group assignments and I liked my small group simply because it had some of my best friends and also the girl in the car who I had felt connected with even though she certainly did not know it at the time.
I was working on my pillowcase and singing and talking to everybody and everything was going good, this was something I was very nervous about because I had known that many of them were hurt by my actions of the previous year. I wanted it to be a positive trip, but I was highly worried that it would not be. We all were singing and playing guitar together and just enjoying each other and it was nice, singing about God and how amazing he is and just being able to be in a nice house because somebody was so kind to open it up to a loud and messy group of girls. We did a group activity where we played connect the dots, the only problem being we had no idea on what it was supposed to make, or numbered dots, we each were to make a line without having any guidance or help. Our picture looked quite odd and was definitely an abstract one and could be interpreted as many things. The next thing we did was the same picture and same idea, but this time we had numbers and letters to help us make the picture. The picture was a cross with with a heart going around the middle. They then got to explain how we don't really know the path of life until God gives us some guidance.
It was lights out so I grabbed my phone and figured out where in the world I was going to be sleeping for that night.Since the couch that I had planned on sleeping in was already taken I just decided to go sleep on the floor upstairs with another person who didn't know that many people so she wouldn't be alone for the night.I decided to text Gianni since I love him and missed him already. He talked a little but it was late and of course he had to work in the morning so I just took my medication and went to sleep.
I woke up at five in the morning and knew that it had been a year, a whole year since the day I had tried to end it all. I couldn't get that out of my head, I felt accomplished that I had made it a year, but also upset with myself due to the fact that I had attempted in the first place. I knew that the day would be filled with mixed feelings, I just really did not want to let anybody else in on that. I shouldn't hold things in but sometimes that is much easier than having to explain everything, than having to go through making myself so vulnerable, and sound so broken, even though I knew I was, I didn't want others to know, to know how much I was hurting on the inside, how nervous I was to even talk to certain people, because I was so unsure if they had forgiven me yet. I hated not knowing, I hated being so nervous, and feeling so horrible about myself for it all. I didn't want to be depressed that weekend, I didn't want my stupid brain to think constantly about negative things, about all of my mistakes, because there were so many things that I had done well that I ignore. It seems that we only look at the bad in things, and the good is simply ignored.
It was soon breakfast time so I decided to be more lively and awake and try to tackle the day with a positive attitude. We all ate, some at a table, others at the couch, and some even on the floor. We listened to K-Love and sang along and danced at random moments. We were a very silly group of people. It was soon time for the first part of our plans for the day and so one of the college students who was also an adult leader shared with us some of her thoughts and struggles and how she had problems with trust as many people in her school were talking about her and spreading rumors about her, people she thought that she could trust were breaking it, and even her roommate was doing so. I knew how that was. Seeing that by the end of my senior year the entire high school was talking about my suicide attempt.
We broke into our small groups and ours stayed in the same room while others left. We were all trying to get to know each other and such, I felt like I at least knew everybody and so that was not awkward for me. We discussed what was shared moments before and the person who had shared in the car, decided to share her problems again with the eating disorder and depression and being hospitalized since nobody there knew her all too well at that point and we wanted to get to know something about each other. She was so open about her struggles in life, and that to me was amazing, was so encouraging ,strong and brave of her to do. It takes a whole lot of courage to be able to share your struggles and your past, I didn't have nearly as much courage as she did. We were all just talking, I didn't want to really talk about what was really going through my head so I just avoided it and made conversation otherwise.
It was our groups turn to make lunch for everybody so we each got to work in the kitchen, I got to cutting tomatoes for the tacos as the other members of the group got to clearing off the counters and getting the other ingredients out for our lunch. We also had to get the right amount of plates and silverware out for everybody in the process. I liked working in the kitchen, it was something that I was so used to doing since I was a kid. We finished cooking and called everybody in to eat, they stormed in and formed a long line so we had to wait patiently, since we were at the end of the line we got to sit on the floor and eat because any attempt at putting a glass at a spot at the table and getting somebody to not sit there was bound to fail. We sat on the floor and joked around. We all ate a lot it seemed, at least for girls, and even beginning to look like we ate a lot for boys at that point.
After lunch another adult leader shared, and it was interesting to see her share because her daughter was also in our group and I think that it is much harder to share things with family than it is to share with friends, but that may just be my opinion. After she had shared and explained that we all have our gifts from God, some come earlier in life and others you may find out later on that we just need to be patient with him and they will come to us, and God will never stop working in us. We broke into small groups again and we each were to fill out sheets according to what skills we thought that we had. We spent a good ten or twenty minutes filling out the sheets then we started to discuss our results with our group. On one of the sheets I was very mixed because we had to choose one side or the other, and that was hard for me because each side seemed to be half of what I did and so I would be stuck in the middle on both. I felt so undecided and unable to actually be on one side or the other. While going through our results everybody would tell me to try to pick one of the sides, which one I thought that I was the most. On the topic of which whether I was an introvert or an extrovert I chose introvert, simply because I was holding so many things inside my head and not telling anybody what was really on my head for that day, that I was really just thinking about my attempt the year before. They all said they saw me as an extrovert which was quite surprising to me. we then continued to talk about things and then i decided to be more open and I shared what was really going through my head and that I was just having a really off day due to the whole fact that I had attempted exactly one year before, and almost to the minute at that point in time. It was something that I will never be able to forget no matter how much I try, though I'm not too sure I should forget it. it was so nerve racking to e open, but it was also nice, again with the mixed feelings on things.
I had it on my mind and my heart on how much I really needed to be able to thank my parents and be able to tell them how thankful I am that they have been there so much for the last year.I decided to just break the no phone rule real quick and text my parents what was on my heart. I told them how much I appreciated what they have done for the last knowing that it certainly was not easy. I felt a whole lot better after that and while we were talking during dinner I explained to some people how weird it was to think that it had already been a year since I had attempted and how much different I felt and how much happier I was that I was there, I remember the person who had shared earlier that day rubbing my back in a caring way because I was beginning to tear up, of people mentioned that they couldn't get it out of their head either and that they were avoiding one of the rooms in the house because that was where a few of them were informed that I was in the intensive care unit for trying to kill myself., it hurt to hear them say that, that I was the reason they couldn't go somewhere.
We started the prayer labyrinth, which was one of the moments in the trip that you could totally see God working in. There was different rooms and each room had its own activity. I went to the prayer room first in the labyrinth because I really just wanted to be silent and pray and be able to enjoy things. I was able to just have a little conversation on God on why he decided to have so many mixed feelings going through my head and why I was just nervous about everything, it felt so nice to be able to pray and to be able to just be alone with God. I felt refreshed again and that things would be just fine, even though it may not have totally felt like it at that moment I knew that it would be okay because God was always there and he put some pretty spectacular people in my life.
The next room in the prayer labyrinth that I went to was in the basement, it was where the person who I connected to in the car was. She was talking and being so open about her struggles down there and we all were just sitting and listening and she was saying how she knew that God was working in her life and how it used to be hard for her to go back home because it reminded her of her past, but with time it got better and now she loves going home. We all started talking about our struggles and I mentioned that I had attempted the year before so I understand the whole reaching rock bottom thing. Some other girls shared their experiences of having to be in therapy and also having to be hospitalized, it was one of those moments where there was no possible way you could feel alone in your struggles. God put us all in that basement so he could help us see that it was okay, and that it was normal to struggle, but then we all talked about how much life has improved since we had let him back into our lives. Some people talked about their struggles with their parents and how they dealt with things involving that. My heart just felt so amazing at that point. I knew God would make me feel better and he certainly did.
The prayer labyrinth was soon over and we all met back up in the living room to do some debriefing and talking and singing some worship music together. I started trying to think of one word to describe my life, one word that I wanted to follow, because that was our second art project, we had to think of one word, write it our and decorate it however we wanted and then frame it. I was so stuck between so many words because God had been working so much in my life and I wasn't sure on what I really wanted to work on improving. I prayed about it and just hoped that he word put a word in my heart. By the end of the worship time I knew exactly what I wanted my word to be, I knew my word had to be GRATEFUL. Because that's exactly how I felt, I felt grateful for the people I had in my life especially my parents and my friends and I had so many blessings that the list could just go on and on. I started working on my word and wrote it out and was happy with how it looked and it was soon time to go to bed so I picked up my pillowcase that everybody had written on during part of the labyrinth and there were a few that stood out to me. FORGIVEN was written on my pillowcase three times, and I was hoping so much that it was a certain three people that I was best friends with the year before but when my depression got to its worst point they had a hard time with all of the things that I did so we lost touch and I was so nervous to be around them. I was so happy to see that and it was exactly what I needed to end my day, I was at tears to see that because that was what was bothering me the most about that day, was the people I hurt, and to see forgiven meant so much.
It was soon our last day of the trip and we all continued to work on our words and we had a prayer and worship service in the morning. It was an open time and we all mentioned our God moments of the weekend, me mentioning the pillowcase and what was written on it and how it was exactly what I needed, and also thanking car girl(haha) for being so open and raw with us that weekend. One if the people who I figured and hoped had written the forgiven then mentioned how she felt the same way I did how looking at the year before to this year was such a change, the year before not only I was broken, but she was broken, she was broken mostly because I tried to kill myself, and then for her to be so open about that and to say how that has changed made it so I just felt so loved, so blessed by God. By the time the weekend was over I felt so amazing, so rejuvenated and refreshed. my word and frame turned out to look much better than I could have ever wished for and I bonded with people I didn't expect to. I thought it would be a bad weekend but it turned out to be one of the best weekends of my life.
God works in amazing ways.
Give it time.
Pray about it.
He will work in you.
Trust in Him.
Expect the unexpected.
And love life for all that it is, even though it may be crazy and hard to deal with, in the end it is totally worth it!!!
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