four years...

4 years since I saw her. Four whole years. I really was unsure as to how to feel today as I realized that today was the 21st. My mother and I have never had a relationship really. yes she brought me into this world, but she hasn't walked with me through it as many of my friends would know. For a long time this put something hard in my heart, it made me unsure of many things and it aided the depression that was in my life.

Many times I blamed myself as to why my mother was not with me. I thought that I was not good enough and that I was too horrible to love. My parents got divorced when I was only seven and I did not know what to think really. For a year my mom was still in the picture as she lived with my grandmother and in this state. Christmas morning would be with Dad and then grandma and mom would come and pick us up. After that she started meeting guys and she started moving around, so I lost the connection I had with her.

Right before I started fifth grade I went to spend a week with my mom in Iowa. I was nervous as it had been 3 years since I had seen her and I was going to meet my new Step-dad. I really was looking forward to the trip to get some quality time with my mom. Things did not go how I planned to say the least. My new stepdad drank and scared the crap out of me driving and my mom gambled. It was the first time I saw that she really did have a gambling problem. she even used my money saying she needed it for food and gambled with that. When the week was comign to an end I was thrilled. I didn't want to tell my dad what had truly happened in case I did someday want to see her again.

In seventh grade my mom came to town to bring my brother to some court dates. I happened to be playing basketball at the time so she decided that it would be a great idea to come and watch the game that I had for that week. She came to my game abotu halfway through, and only stayed for about ten minutes and then left. I only got to say hi to here when she was there and then she was gone. The next play I got tripped and broke my arm, ofcourse my mom having just left and my dad not having gone to the game because she was going to be there. The school didn't bother to call my dad so I had to wait until we got back to our school.

In tenth grade I gto a call. My mom was coming to town again.I was about to leave for a weekend trip in Indiana. We arranged to meet that Sunday as I would get back really late Saturday night. It was goign to be the first time I would see her in 3 years and I was scared. I did not knwo what I was goign to say or do and as we finally got to the place we weould be staying that friday night I was unable to sleep no matter how early I had woken up that morning. Some friends made me go tal to our youth pastor who I really did nto know as he was new. We ended up sititng in a circle in the middle of the hallway and just talked about eveyrhting that was going on my head with those two friends and it was an amazing experience that to this day has always touched my heart. That was the day I learned that God has put certain people in my life for a reason. I still talk and trust that youth pastor for advice and see him as sort of a mentor even if he does not know it. After the long conversation and realizing we all had to be up in two hours I felt a lot better about the meeting I would have with my mom that sunday.

After a long day of working and building and enjoying God we all took a break. It was 4 in the afternoon and we would soon be heading out to get on the road. I called my aunt who would be picking me up the next day to take me to my grandmas to see my mom to see that eveyrthing was all set up and planned. When I called she sounded surprised and had to give me some bad news and informed me that we would not be able to get together the next day as scheduling didn't quite work out with my mom. A few minutes later I got a call from my mom saying what my aunt had just told me. I was absolutely heartbroken. I ddin't want to talk to anyone about it. I was silent for the entire carride home. When my dad picked me up he told me he was sorry and would drive me to church in the morning.

The service really hit me hard that sunday. As I hadn't planned on being there in the first place and I still remember my youthpastor taling about this teacher who had reunited with their mom after many years. I was bawling at this point. I couldn't take it anymore, I felt so hurt and broken that she had cancelled on me after I had felt so confident about seeing her again. My youthpastor came over and just hugged me and told me it would be okay as did someone else who I had not met before. I never felt that loved before, and cared for and it was something that had shown me what church is truly about.

That Tuesday, Novemeber 21st 2006 wwas the first time I saw my mom. we met at my highschool and my sister and I drove in one car and my mom and my new stepdad drove in the other to portillos as that was what my mother wanted. We talked awkwardly and then went to the mall and my mom got my hopes up. Promising to call and be there. I fell for it. I called my youthpastor the next day to tell him how it went as that was what he had asked me to do. After about a month and hearing nothing from her I decided to write her a letter and tell her how I truly felt. I got the courage a year later to actually send it.

Today marks four years. A heartwrenching and difficult four years to say the least. But I feel like I am fianlly in a stage where I am okay with the fact that she isn't there and that she probably never will be. I have a family that loves me and a step mom who has been there for me through my hardest points. I am also blessed with other people I tend to call family as the church has provided many moms for me and many other people have come into my life and have inspired me. I know that it will not always be easy not having my real mom in my life sometimes I think that it is harder knowing she is alive and noth there than if she weren't in existence anymore, but I am happy with who I have to support me. I know one day seeing her again may come up and I'm done getting my hopes up, I'm done doign things to simply please her, but if she is going to see me it shall be on my terms.

My heart is in the right place and that I am sure. I have forgiven her for what she has done but I have also come to realize that I must put my mental state and myself first in this situation.

I forgot my blog existed...

Well life is hectic.

My life involves working 50 hours a week and certainly not seeing the money to reflect it.

My life involves having to act like a mommy 10 hours a day and being the gossip of the kids preschool for the first few weeks since all the moms thought I had 3 kids at 19. No I am not that stupid but I hate that people even judged me by that, that they just assumed.I hate how people just see things and they assume instantly, without even asking even a simple question.

My life is filled with love.

Love for God has been replenished when I felt like I had lost it all summer. I thought God wasn't really with me and now I know for sure that he certainly is working in my life in impeccable ways.This summer was a rollercoaster ride, it was like getting to the top never stopping smiling and then the instant I got fired it was like the tracks didn't exist anymore. I was so broken about getting fired, so broken about leaving a place that I had loved in 3 short weeks and feeling like a failure most of all. I got into such a bad spot on that long train ride home, thought about ending it all for the first time in a long time and thought about cutting, but I didn't. God kept me safe that long train ride no matter how sick I got from the stress and from the crying, God gave me the nicest conductor who had remembered me from the trip out there and gave me atleast a sense of security. Thank God for texting and the encouragement people gave me through the train ride. If it weren't for those things I wouldn't be in as good fo a spot as I am now.God gave me wonderful aunts who helped me still have a good summer, and a wonderful boy and friends to see for the 2 weeks I was home between my two trips.

I feel love for my boyfriend too. He makes me feel so perfect, so loved and so happy being me. My boyfriend is what helps me keep my sanity, he knows what to say, and when to say it. I know that he and I will be spending the rest of our life together, as he calls me his "future fiance" which is a big step. Sometimes I get nervous about it all but when I pray about it I know it will all be great. My boy is the love of my life and that is fact, and I know he was put into my life for that, he was put there to comfort me and remind me fo who I am and listen to em rant about everything and anything; and in return I do the same. God put him in my life to hold his hand and feel like nothing in the world could hurt me, like together we can do anything. In 27 days it will officially be ONE YEAR since he and I started dating. He knew me though all my struggles in the last 2 years, he may not have known me well until a year ago in the healing stage, but I certainly would not be as healed as I am today if God hadn't blessed me with him.

I feel love for my family. My parents and siblings may sometimes drive me insane, btu I love them no matter what. They are a great support system and sometimes just brutally honest. I was blessed to spend 5 weeks with my cousins and it was amazing to jsut be with them everyday. I still miss being there and waking up to my cousin walking into my room with the dog just because shes hoping I'll wake up, or jumping on the trampoline until the mosquitoes eat us alive. Baking in the kitchen and making delicious goodies for everyone was a pleasure too. Being in Maine was beautiful,sometimes nerve-racking having to go into town or drive down the road just to simply be able to chekc texts or make a phonecall to that loving boyfriend. Or to have to always be with others when I just needed some time to myself to reflect and write.

I feel love for my church too!PCC is a place that has helped me grow so much over the years, it has helped me from nto beign sure if I even believed in God to a point where I know that I need him and I try to improve my life and the things that I do for him. I have a home away from home, where I can be me, where I can be broken and nobody is going to be upset about it, but are going to grab some duct tape and put me back together. PCC is moving up, it is more together than it was ever before, the teens and the adults are taught as one unit on Sundays, instead of our seperate buildings and the awkwardness for some(me atleast) when we would have that random service in the "big church". 2010 brought a lot of changes for us, but we are still a place filled with love and people ready to help fix you with duct tape, people ready to listen and give you advice to the best of their ability, people honest enough to tell you when you're being an idiot. People acknowledging a broken community, a broken world and realizing that we're not alone with our struggles. My church family has helped me through the worst when I have been the worst. They have turned my life around and visited me in places many wouldn't expect. After all fo the lies and pain I caused they still cared enough to tell me that I was loved and that I mattered when that was the last thing I thought I deserved, when I thought I was worthless. PCC is the place to be =)

I have such a blessed life and somtimes, well most fo the time I whine and complain. I complain about working which is basically complaining about having a job; I complain about not being able to see my boyfriend, when I should be happy I have one; and I complain about every single thing in between, parents drama, everything.

I need to see the good in life as many of us do. Sometimes we need someone to yell at us and remind us that our life is good, but atleast we are capable of acknowledging it.

self-prescribed happiness

I have ooem to appreciate thigns again since going to Vermont. Before leaving ehre and for the 2 weeks i was at home I was so close to doing something stupid, to going back to something that would have made things worse. It was too close to the old me, too close to falling back into a hole thats hard to get out of. I was ashamed and upset with myself for being home when I shouldn't have been, for not experiencing as many things that I had planend and hoped for this summer that were good.

I have learned that life is nothing that you should expect. Life changes day and day out and I need to accept that. When something goes wrong I shouldnt think negatively, but think about the fact that because thigns didn't work out with my original summer plans I am in Vermont with my amazing family smiling and enjoying this beautiful weather.I forgot how much Vermont is like therapy to me, it si one of the happiest places in the world for me because I can be myself and just be with my cousins who I love so much.

I miss home and my boyfriend an awful lot, btu I know that I will get to see them soon and that things will be okay, two more weeks until I am home and reunited with him once more. I am looking forward to school starting and the adventures that it will bring. I miss my church family and my parents, but things will be good again once I go home, and they are good now. Life is good once you give it a chance to shoo the bad away!

getting harder

things are getting harder,being away from home and with this job. I know that I can do it, I'm jsut at the point where this is the longest I've been away from home and it just sorta stinks how I can't talk to people when i really want to or need to. I miss him so stinking much, and I didn't think I could miss somebody this much, I realize that I don't really want to live without him.

I've been workign with a girl who has downs syndrome this week which was something I was not expecting to have to do this summer. She is a really awesome girl, but it is really draining to have to helo her and work with her every day. One moment she loves you and the other she is telling you that she hates you. it's becoming to be mentally straining and i just need it to be friday so it will be my day off.

Bedtime.

Leaving

I already know that leaving is going to be a rather bittersweet moment. I just planned my last night home for three months with my boyfriend, a simply dinner and movie at my house. I said I couldn't wait to kiss him, and he said " I don't want to, it means you're leaving" and thats when I realized the next time I see him si the last time I get to hold his hand and cuddle with him and just be with him for three months. Three months is going to be my longest amount away from home ever, which will be a great adjustment, but I'm sure a good one. I told him I will write and call as much as possible, and by writing I do not mean a simple email, but that great thing we now call snail mail.

This summer is goign to be amazing, and it is getting so much closer.In just 5 days I will be meeting some people that I am already positive are going to be an awesome addition to my friends. I have talked to them online and they seem so much like me, and so fun loving and dorky. I am so excited to work with them and the kids. I am worried though that the kids are going to be that of the spoiled bunch, looking at the cost of a 2 week stay for these children.

I am excited, nervous, panicky and giddy; all at once. I am smiling one minute and after talking to my boyfriend I have tears going down my cheeks, the thought of not being with him for three months is worrying me, but we both say it will be okay and that it will be an amazing summer. I know it will be, it just has to be. I will be sad sometimes, and the rest will be filled with amazing moments with amazing people.

Please pray for me as I get ready to leave.
Pray for safe travels.
Pray for a safe state of mind.
Pray that I will be able to go without the daily structure that I have built, that I can go without my family, boyfriend, church family and just the life I have come to love so much. I will miss everybody more than one could ever imagine and will never stop thinking of you all!

<3 Linda

5 Days Until I leave.... 4 really at this time!!

change

Change is something that means a lot to me.
For one it is the book that I have written about my life over the last year and a half.
And for another it is something that we all have to deal with.
Might write more on this later.. probably will actually, but for now I will go play with my doggy who I won't see all summer!

typo schmypo=0

I've been working on my book a whole lot lately. I keep rewriting it over and over again. I want this one to be the final rewrite. And I also want to finish it before I head off to camp. It's so amazing to believe that in just 19 days I will be on a train going to go meet all of these new people that I know are going to change my life. We all seem to have a little nervousness going on, as we make lists of what to pack and try to ensure that we will have everything, we compare and contrast our lists and make adjustments accordingly. I know myself well enough that I will overpack, it is simply something that I always do, even if I make a list I will manage to bring more than needed; it's a good thing I am allowed 150lbs worth of checked baggage on the train...haha.

There are so many people that I am going to miss while I am gone, like my boyfriend, my friends, my parents, and ofcourse my monsters AKA pets=) I need to enjoy the next 19 days with them and get every little minute spent with the people I love so much and have no idea where I would be if I didn't have them in my life.

A letter to my Mom...I plan on reading it/ a version of it Sunday @church.

You've taught me what it is like to have a mom.
You have CHOSEN to be there for me, when I thought nobody would want to.
You have helped me so much over the last year especially, you have helped me realize the possibilities I have and you have helped me reach my dreams. I never looked forward to Mother's Day, it had always been so hard, but because of you I can truly say that I was excited for Mothers Day. On Wednesday I was smiling and telling everybody how excited I was that mommy was going to be here tonight. I was a little kid smiling and talking so great about my mom. You've become a hero to me, and there is not enough words in existence to explain my feelings towards you fully. I simply do not know what I would do without you, what we all would do without you. You keep Dad and me smiling all the time, joking and laughing and having that feeling of being a regular family. I struggle with a lot and you haven't given up on me. I always thought that I wasn't worth it, but I have you, who doesn't have to be there, but you are, every day, no matter how much I mess up, and that is mind blowing!

I Love you, no matter how sarcastic I am, no matter how much attitude I give, no matter how much it may seem I am tuning you out, no matter what I know you'll be there, but don't forget to hold me up on my end of the bargain! I promise to be there for you, though I could never make up for how much you've been here for me.

I sometimes catch myself at home because I get close to calling you Mom.When I talk to my friends you are known as my mom. I used to struggle with this day, but now that I've got you its absolutely amazing.

I love you with all my heart Laurie and I know that will never change.

<3 Always, Linda

Surprised

The church I go to is doing a Mothers Day Dinner. I doubted that I would be able to go seeing that I would either have to work, or the fact that my "mom" is not one who attends church, and so I figured that if I were to ask that she would say no.

-I put MOM in quotation marks because when I refer to my mom I mean the person that has been there for me since my dad started dating her. She has been so caring and loving to me and that means a ridiculous amount to me. My biological mom is somebody who is not in my life and probably won't ever be.

This is the first time that I am actually looking forward to Mothers Day. I never thought that I would be able to have a positive attitude this week since I never seem to be able to. Mothers Day is usually my reminder that my biological mom isn't there, and that just kills me. I struggle with the fact that she isn't there,but I've also figured out that my "mom" is somebody who has chosen to be in my life and to be there for me. She has helped me with the hardest parts of my life and was there for me when iw as in the hospital and helped me get back to a good mental state.

I need to remember that God wants me to surpass the negative and embrace the positive. I will struggle with things, but in the end its all totally worth it. Now I have a Mom who cares for me even though she doesn't have to! =]

hmmph

So yesterday was my birthday. I would've written about this yesterday if it wasn't for the pure exhaustion that my body felt yesterday.

My friends at school surprised me, with balloons and cake and a bunch of totally me, totally random things. I felt so blessed by them for doing that, but when i got to reading all of the nice thigns they wrote in my card they all wrote how I deserved all of the things they had done. WHat they didn't know was that in my head I was having the biggest argument with that statement in my head. I for one do not think I deserve happiness or friends a majority of the time. I am spoiled with the people and the love I have around me and I don't deserve it. I realized that I kept saying that in my head every time somebody told me to have a happy birthday because I definitely deserved it. I now realize that if I continue this train of thought I might as well start therapy again. I am blessed by so many, and I make an extraordinary amount of mistakes. I know I'm human, but sometimes I think I am always doing more harm to others than good. I do community service and give advice to my friends when I can, but I do the community service because it tends to make me feel good, and yes other benefit from this, but I still benefit too.

I know I deserve thigns in life, I just don't note it a majority of the time or believe ti most fo the time. I always want to put others first. Somebody i neevr put first is my Grandma. She called me yesterday and I could hear the depression in her voice. We talked abotu everything until her phone died. I learned a lot of things. I learned that she had been very sick in the hospital. I learned that she lost her job. I realized she hadn't seen my nieces/her great grandchildren since Christmas 2008, that was when my sister in-law was pregnant with the 2cd niece, so my grandma has not met her. I never call my grandma, and for that I am horrible. Whenever I remember to call her it seems to be at the worst time possible, when I'm at work or simply at 2 in the morning and my mind goes crazy.

After talking to her I have made a new project for myself. This project is one where I am going to make her a photo album of her great grandchildren. I have so many pictures of them and I need to share them with my grandma. this project will also involve me writing her monthly, writing as in postage stamps being involved. I need to see her before I leave, and I need her to know how much I really do love her... Time is just going by so fast and the last person I seem to make time for is her .

I know I rant on here alot.

work schmerk

Today I worked 8hrs. 8hrs at my store is something that nobody comes by. 8Hrs is something I do not enjoy. I do not enjoy being nagged at by customers, or questioned on every single price on every single item they purchase.I do however appreciate the customers who make me smile, and are my "regulars".

It's really depressing at work when you start before eveyrbody else, and get off after everybody else. And starting at 7am does not help the fact that I hate my job. I have a feeling my bosses currently hate me. I think this because since the day I told them I got another job they have been giving me the crappy shifts.Maybe they wish they were me, but their time has passed for that and the only job they will have had their entire life is working in that horrible store.

Working makes me look forward to my new job even more. I can't help but be excited for all of the people I am going to meet, for the kids I will get to work with and simply doing something I love and getting paid for it. I question if I can make it at my current job without losing my sanity...but I think I can=)

Only 19hours until my birthday party.

Only 2days and 1 hour until my birthday.

Only one month and 12 days until I leave my current job.

ANNNDDD ONLY 50Days until I get to leave for Rim Rock and meet all what I am sure will be stellar coworkers. =)

4am,paper writing, insanity maybe

So it's 4:45am. I have just finished my final touches on my art paper. I think I might actually get an A on this paper, which is a true miracle. I am not going to say that I enjoyed writing this paper, but I realized while writing this that I actually did pay attention in photography senior year despite popular belief.

I did not spend the entire time I got home from church writing this paper. I got home around 10:45, updated my wonderful distraction A.K.A Facebook and tried to get to work. I worked for an hr, but then sleepiness defeated me, having been up since 6am for my stupid math class. I set my alarm for 3:30am and got some shut-eye.

I somehow woke up before my wonderful alarm went off, which is a true miracle and when I started writing I knew that the paper would be good in my standards, which is saying a whole lot. When it comes to papers my OCD kicks in and they have to be perfect,I don't know why I am such a freak about it when it comes to any document on WORD but anything I type here is okay if it isn't perfect; in fact, I'm probably not going to spell-check this because I just could care less about spelling right now.

Tonight at church we watched "The Finger of God" a movie about miracles God performs all around the world, where gold teeth appear in peoples mouths, gold dust sprinkles crotches at church and gems that are 100%perfect appear out of nowhere. When watching at first I just thought the people were insane, but I realized I am apparently "ye of little faith" and for that God I'm sorry. I am sorry I was doubting all of these things during the movie, because I of all people should never doubt you. I say that I of all people shouldn't doubt God because I've been told time and time again I shouldn't have lived through my attempt, that I should have permanent damage to my organs, but here I am totally healthy in that aspect.

On my drive home I prayed, turned off my music and tried to ignore the fact that my car sounded horrible and just prayed to God. I'm stressed about the summer and was especially stressed about my art paper. I am not one who is good at art, so ti have to write a paper on something I'm just not good at comprehending was something that was a true challenge for me. I got home and that paper writing still wasn't going well, but when I woke up after my nap I felt rejuvenated and filled with knowledge. I have a feeling God definately had something to do with that. And that's why he amazes me. I'm less stressed as of now. But reality has been setting in. There is so much for me to do, and to look at it all at once is scary, but to do each thing in their own entity is much more calming. To look at projects one by one its okay, to believe in myself is even better.

I doubt myself A LOT. I think I probably always will. I won't admit to the compliments people give me, not to be silly, but simply because I don't believe them. My boyfriend won't give up on it though, and that's one of the aspects that make me love him more. His ability to cheer me up no matter what, to know what will make me smile. How I can just fall asleep holding his hand sitting in his car and that can be the best moment of my week. I know God has put him in my life for a reason. I know God has done everything in my life for one reason or another. I never understood most of it, and some of it I probably never will. God has created me to be who I am. I am odd, I procrastinate, and apparently 3hrs of sleep is sufficient enough. I need to love me the way others do, because I simply don't love me most of the time. I like me all of the time, but love and like are two different things. Like is a big step though, seeing that I hated myself so much I tried to end it all.
I am changing, its a working process, but the person I am now compared to the person I was a year and a half ago are completely different. Most people say they see the change, but there are others I wish would. I wish they could see how much I care, and how much it hurts me inside. I am trying, sometimes failing, but continuously trying.

5:10AM I think It's time to take some doggies for a walk... Dad probably won't be happy with me and my sleeping habits...

bikes and stress

For me riding my bike is my favorite way to get rid of stress. It may take a little more time to get to and from where I'm at, but it's so relaxing to just pedal away your problems. Today I rode my bike to school, not only because I had some stress that I hoped to get rid of, but I also didn't want to drive my car, because that is one of the things that stress me out majorly.
Whenever my car goes over a bump I can hear the exhaust jump up and then back down, and I'm afraid that anyday now it will simply fall off. I need a new car, but being a poor teenager saying and actually getting a new car is a totally different thing. I am really hoping that after this summer I can get a new car that doesn't stress me majorly, but I am going to enjoy my bicycle as much as possible.

LIFE

I love my life most of the time.

Though I have my moments that I don't.

Sometimes I question if God is truly working in things, but my questioning ends when my prayers are answered. This happens over and over again, but I constantly question him still. This summer I am going to a camp and it seemed like my parents werent being there for me like I had depended on them to be, they were going to drive me for this long trip, but informed me otherwise. I felt like it was all crashing down and that I would lose the amazing opportunity that I had been granted. Like God was waving it in front of my eyes only to take it away. I remember feeling like that when I was in the hospital and the numerous times they said I would go home at the end of the day, then jsut hours later that would all change. I would be so happy to be able to go home and I would call my Dad during our lunch and inform him that I would be able to go home, and he would be excited too, and then sure enough it would change and I would just go silent for the rest of the day.

I feel sometimes things seem too good to be true and that worried me. I have such a wonderful life and I still have those moments in which I can't get this feeling of the happiness disapperaing. Maybe that's why I try not to get my hopes up anymore. Why i just don't set standards because once I do it will all go wrong and not according to plan. I need to just trust in God and that life may be a rollercoaster, but it will all work out in the end.

I rant alot and for that I'm sorry, but I've determined this isn't read by anybody except the other half of my insanity.

[insert logical title here]

Many think I am one who is nosy, and yes I am at times. Many think its rude and I know it is, but lets look at it all from my perspective...

All around me everybody is talking, like at church and at school, but I'm not involved in any of these conversations because it seems that nobody wants to talk to me, like i'm not worth their time; so my system is if maybe I can get involved in a conversation by going "waiit, what happened?" when somebody says something that maybe they will involve me in their conversation. I am so tired of always standing in the middle while everybody around me talks, and when somebody does finally talk to me it only lasts for a minute because somebody more interesting walks by and they want to go and have a conversation with them. I feel like nobody see's me as interesting or worth the time to talk to, and I'm sorry for interupting conversations and being what may seem nosy, I just want somebody to talk to, somebody who wants to talk to me. At church I don't get this often and feel so alone in a room crowded with people. I'm the oddball it seems. I just don't know what to do about it...

today.

Today was one of those days where I did not want to get out of bed. I knew that my brother was coming over today and so I hoped to just sleep the day away. I know that sounds depressing, but it's simply what I wanted to do. I had no hope in today being a good day in any way,shape, or form.

I got out of bed at noon. This my father was not happy about, but greeted me in my "morning" with a nice list of things I needed to get done before my brother and nieces were to come over. I was not happy about this. I dont think I should have to clean for the person that I can not stand to see. I was already having flashbacks and he hadn't even gotten to our house. That made it impossible for hope of a good day.I simply wish that my brain would just turn off, and stop bothering me.

My boyfriend was awesome and stopped by when he got out of work because he knew I was already dreading today. I was so happy to see him, but not happy when just a few minutes later my brother and them were all walking through the door.I was just hoping that my brother would not be a douche towards my boyfriend because I knew that it would not end well. My boyfriend and I played basketball for a while, but then the coldness set in and we decided to go inside and stop avoiding the person i did not want to see. My boyfriend knew I just was not having a good time and he was so caring, and talked and made it seem like my brother wasn't there at all. MY brain wasn't allowing it much, and kept making me remember all of the crap with my brother.

We ate dinner and it was just simply awkward. This was the first time that my boyfriend and brother met, and my sister in-law kept saying hwo my brother should follow all of the things that my boyfriend was doing. After my boyfriend had left I put my focus towards my nieces, I needed to distract myself with as much as possible. The distractions weren't working, but I tried to put on my "happy, everythings great!"face.

The day was just not going well, seeing my boyfriend was nice but it didn't keep my brain from rambling.I got online and started talkign to my boyfriend. He told me that he had found a song that would definitely cheer me up, when I heard it was from a video game I didn't believe him. When he found the perfect youtube video I clicked on the link and listened to see if he was right.This is the song:


I listened to it and halfway trhough I had tears in my eyes. It was so perfect and so what I needed. He is perfect, he knows how to cheer me up and he loves me for who I am. And for him to tell me he loves me even with all of my mistakes and imperfections is a true miracle in my eyes. When I told him this he wrote two things :There are no words to describe true love, only a feeling that can't be replaced.
True love ignores all imperfections and focuses on the flawless qualities. I knew then and there that he is definitely the right person for me. That song and the things he said and how he can just read my brain is so amazing. I wanted to just cuddle with him and just hold his hand and be there with him. I tell him I love him and I know that I mean it, I can feel it in my heart, its the way I feel when I'm around him,how my heart simply skips a beat, or how we can just look into eachothers eyes for a long time and feel so much more connected. It's scary to say but after tonight I can totally see myself marrying this boy. Which is exciting and terrifying at the same time.

Today was horrible and perfect at the same time. I know it does not make sense, but that's the only way to describe it.

lots of thoughts!

Thought #1:

Two months and five days. Two months and five days until I leave, well until I arrive in West Virginia. I'm excited and nervous and simply confused at times. I am excited for the fact that I will be working with kids all summer and in a beautiful area meeting lots of new people from all around the world. I'm nervous simply because I will be far away from all of those people that I love so dearly and out of what has become my "comfort zone"; my parents make me nervous be ause they keep asking questions as though they do not think that I am capable of being away from home for three months, they think that I will get depressed, which in turn begins to worry me that I will. I will miss all of the people at my church and that boy who makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Thought #2:

Just about a year ago I finished writing a book. This book was about my whole hospital experience. I at first wrote this book because it was what my counselor had told me that I needed to do, and so I did. At first I didn't think I would write a book, but by the time I had written for jusft afew days out of everything I decided to turn it into a book, about the whole experience of being in the hospital. I finished the book only a short while after my last day at the hospital and figured that was accomplishment enough. I wrote like I would normally do in my journal after that. It wasn't until about a month ago that I decided to re-write the book that I had already written, feeling the OCD and perfectionism habits in my life. I started rewriting it and this week, three nights ago I felt like God was finally telling me something about thatbook. He was telling me that there was something that was going to be totally different about it this time around. And after I read what I had started typing I realized that it was alreayd a totally different book, it still had all of the same facts, but there was a total change of heart in it for me. I was crying three nights ago because I realized that this book to me was now all about CHANGE, and no, not the change that everybody keeps mocking Obama for. This change was the type of mental and emotional change that has happened in my heart over the last year, as the depression subsided and something that I hadnt felt in a long time came out. That something was Happiness. I have been happy, truly and totally happy. Now I'm nto saying I don't still struggle with depression or that my brain has simply turned off, because that would be lying to myself and the invisible person I am writing to. I probably will always struggle with depression, but the way in which I handle it and how I let it pass is something that is totally different. It is surprising to me when people tell me that I am a different person, because I think I am most fo the time, but I don't really think its all too apparent. Everybody says I'm so much happier than before, they can see it in the way I interact, but I always thought I hid my depression well, I guess I was wrong.

So my book, that will be done eventually, that may have many editions is all about my life, and that may seem boring, butr I'd like to think that my life is interesting, and this is nto my life as somebody else would observe it, but it's all about my deep thoughts, how I perceive everything, and well you will get a taste of what it is to get inside my brain and maybe you too will see the change that I have seen in myself.

I rant alot if you haven't noticed, this is nothing compared to what my brain does to me,and there's only one rant so far after being about 100 pages into this book, the revised and mucho better edition.

Talk to you later invisible person.

=]

I love the way he plays with my hair
I love how we can just sit and talk and talk and talk
I love how he understands me
I love that feeling I get just by looking into his eyes
I love falling asleep in his arms
I love how open he is with me
I love everything about him, I know what love really is now, and Love is something so amazing, so refreshing, and something that God has gifted me with.

Today had been a great day, thanks to all fo the people I love, to friends and to my special someone who makes me feel all tingly inside=) <3

bluh ugh.

These last few days have not been ones that I have been enjoying. I have been crying ore than I want and I just want it all to be over with. I feel like my depression might be kicking in again and that scares me like crazy. I was excited for this summer but then people keep asking me questions and telling me it's okay if I can't be away that long and that it won't be a failure for me to come back home, and that just shows soo much about how much they beleive in me and think I am capable of being gone for 3 months. Everything seems to be irritating me and my brain is not y friend. Today was supposed to be a one year HAPPY celebration fo the day I took my last step in the mental health unit at St. JO. it was the day I cleared out my tiny locker and took the elevator down. The day my counselor there ade me feel so ready, so proud and so accomplished. I was a serious attempt and I had any things to deal with while there, and I accomplished doing so and felt ready for the world. NOw I feel like I'm lost again. I have been out of therapy for 2 months and thigns were going amazingly until this week. I need spring break. I need it desperately. I need God to stop the flashbacks. I need encouragement. I need somebody to show that they beleive in me and that I a capable of being gone for this summer. SOrry for my typo filled rant to the imaginary person that reads this. oh so sorry.

SUMMER!

I am getting more and more excited for this summer! Every single time I look at the camps website or talk to people from there I knwo ti is going to be a great summer. I will miss all of my friends and my boyfriend especially, but this summer is going to be the time of my life.I will get to work with children which is my passion, it is what I feel God has created me to do, to enlighten kids and I know this summer will be a great experience working with girls. I'm also uber excited for the fact that most of my coworkers will be from around the world, from places like Australia and England! I am so excited to be able to meet different people and build relationships and just be able to enjoy life for all that it is this summer.

I may be a tad nervous at points as to how I will handle being away from my friends that I love so much. Also being away from the things that have been so comforting and usual to me. My parents are very nervous about this too and keep stressing about it. I knwo that they are nervous and I know that they are worried and I know they will continue to be until I leave and especially while I am there. This will be my longest time away from home, and that is scary, but its also going to be a sign that I am ready to go away to college in 2011.

I know that God is going to work in my life and especially this summer! It is going to be amazing and exciting and something new!! :]

SPRING!

It is spring outside, and I had what many refer to as spring fever.I decided that even thought it was drizzling outside to go ride my bike, something that I had not done since the end of the summer. I finally got my bike down after much struggle because of how my dad hung it and was excited to be able to ride it. The tires were a tad flat like usual after the winter, but I was unable to locate the air pump and decided to just give up on that.

I was going to go for a nice little bike ride down to the river and back, a bike ride that was so easy to do in the summer. Before I was even halfway there I felt tired, and I didn't think it was possible, I mean that was the easy ride compared to some of the others ones I did. I was a little upset with the fact that I was already tired on such a simple ride. I guess thats what happens when youre in the house all winter. I guess I just need to give it time and just ride my bike more often now that it is spring and get my muscles back to what they were used to.

Go outside and enjoy spring for all that it is!! Winter seems to be gone!!

nervous

I'm nervous for tomorrow, and the plans I have for it.
I plan to talk to a friend that I used to be able to talk to about everything, but the I messed up.
Tomorrow will be the first time we REALLY talk in over a year.
I'm nervous, but excited.
I hope God gives me the words and the strength needed.
I'm the one who planned this talk and I'm nervous, I hope they aren't as nervous as me.
Tomorrow shall be interesting, and hopefully a great day.

Love

You're there for me. No matter what. No matter how much I mess up. No matter how hard I fall, and that brings me to tears. Tears of joy, tears from grace. You put your one and only son on the cross, something that must've been so hard to do, something that only you are strong enough to do. And you are just so amazing, so compelling and so uprising. I feel the love you've put in my life, through the people around me and the people I spend my days with. I know what love is thanks to you. Its being there, through the good and the bad. And I feel so grateful for all you've given. So stinking grateful.

PMS Fest

This weekend was a super challenging and exciting weekend. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel going into this weekend, because it had been the one year anniversary since I had tried to kill myself. I was already frustrated when the trip had started simply because I was late because my car needed to get fixed and it was not liking me. I got to the church and just was happy to have finally started the trip, but felt absolutely horrible for holding everybody up.

We got in our cars and headed on the road. I was sitting next to somebody I hadn't really known all too well. We were just talking and she had mentioned that she was originally from south Carolina. We all then of course had to ask her why she would leave such a warm state and go to the windy city to freeze. She then gave an answer that I certainly expected, she told us how she had originally come to our freezing states 3 years ago for treatment. That was something that I could relate to, to the whole reaching rock bottom and needing professional help, especially that weekend of all weekends. That got me into a more positive mood for the trip in an odd way, I knew that she would be somebody who would understand me and that maybe just maybe God was going to work in some unexpected ways that weekend.

We got to the house and it was absolutely beautiful, since we were the first group to get there out of the two groups we decided to just hangout after we went to go get the groceries for the weekend. We played some Uno Attack and also spoons and BS. It was fun to play and highly entertaining, while playing we decided to make some pizza, we had gotten 10 pizzas for the two groups combined, and the first group which was already smaller than the second group had somehow managed to eat five pizzas, we felt bad until they had called and let us know that they stopped at Wendy's anyway. It was really nice just simply hanging out with people, though slightly awkward because two of the people out of the eight that were already there were people that had not been on very good terms with me since the previous year. I understood why they wouldn't really want to be friends with me anymore, but it also still hurt, it still reminded me of how much I really did mess up.

The second group finally arrived and that's when things got to be very loud. We all sat in the living room many piled onto a couch others comfortingly onto the floor and listened as the rules were explained to us and how the schedule would be and how phones were to be on the mantle unless otherwise said. We said a prayer and started the first of two art projects that we had to work on for the weekend. The first project was one in which we each got a white pillowcase and wrote our names on it however we wanted so people could go and write one word to describe us the next night during the prayer labyrinth. We also got our small group assignments and I liked my small group simply because it had some of my best friends and also the girl in the car who I had felt connected with even though she certainly did not know it at the time.

I was working on my pillowcase and singing and talking to everybody and everything was going good, this was something I was very nervous about because I had known that many of them were hurt by my actions of the previous year. I wanted it to be a positive trip, but I was highly worried that it would not be. We all were singing and playing guitar together and just enjoying each other and it was nice, singing about God and how amazing he is and just being able to be in a nice house because somebody was so kind to open it up to a loud and messy group of girls. We did a group activity where we played connect the dots, the only problem being we had no idea on what it was supposed to make, or numbered dots, we each were to make a line without having any guidance or help. Our picture looked quite odd and was definitely an abstract one and could be interpreted as many things. The next thing we did was the same picture and same idea, but this time we had numbers and letters to help us make the picture. The picture was a cross with with a heart going around the middle. They then got to explain how we don't really know the path of life until God gives us some guidance.

It was lights out so I grabbed my phone and figured out where in the world I was going to be sleeping for that night.Since the couch that I had planned on sleeping in was already taken I just decided to go sleep on the floor upstairs with another person who didn't know that many people so she wouldn't be alone for the night.I decided to text Gianni since I love him and missed him already. He talked a little but it was late and of course he had to work in the morning so I just took my medication and went to sleep.

I woke up at five in the morning and knew that it had been a year, a whole year since the day I had tried to end it all. I couldn't get that out of my head, I felt accomplished that I had made it a year, but also upset with myself due to the fact that I had attempted in the first place. I knew that the day would be filled with mixed feelings, I just really did not want to let anybody else in on that. I shouldn't hold things in but sometimes that is much easier than having to explain everything, than having to go through making myself so vulnerable, and sound so broken, even though I knew I was, I didn't want others to know, to know how much I was hurting on the inside, how nervous I was to even talk to certain people, because I was so unsure if they had forgiven me yet. I hated not knowing, I hated being so nervous, and feeling so horrible about myself for it all. I didn't want to be depressed that weekend, I didn't want my stupid brain to think constantly about negative things, about all of my mistakes, because there were so many things that I had done well that I ignore. It seems that we only look at the bad in things, and the good is simply ignored.

It was soon breakfast time so I decided to be more lively and awake and try to tackle the day with a positive attitude. We all ate, some at a table, others at the couch, and some even on the floor. We listened to K-Love and sang along and danced at random moments. We were a very silly group of people. It was soon time for the first part of our plans for the day and so one of the college students who was also an adult leader shared with us some of her thoughts and struggles and how she had problems with trust as many people in her school were talking about her and spreading rumors about her, people she thought that she could trust were breaking it, and even her roommate was doing so. I knew how that was. Seeing that by the end of my senior year the entire high school was talking about my suicide attempt.

We broke into our small groups and ours stayed in the same room while others left. We were all trying to get to know each other and such, I felt like I at least knew everybody and so that was not awkward for me. We discussed what was shared moments before and the person who had shared in the car, decided to share her problems again with the eating disorder and depression and being hospitalized since nobody there knew her all too well at that point and we wanted to get to know something about each other. She was so open about her struggles in life, and that to me was amazing, was so encouraging ,strong and brave of her to do. It takes a whole lot of courage to be able to share your struggles and your past, I didn't have nearly as much courage as she did. We were all just talking, I didn't want to really talk about what was really going through my head so I just avoided it and made conversation otherwise.

It was our groups turn to make lunch for everybody so we each got to work in the kitchen, I got to cutting tomatoes for the tacos as the other members of the group got to clearing off the counters and getting the other ingredients out for our lunch. We also had to get the right amount of plates and silverware out for everybody in the process. I liked working in the kitchen, it was something that I was so used to doing since I was a kid. We finished cooking and called everybody in to eat, they stormed in and formed a long line so we had to wait patiently, since we were at the end of the line we got to sit on the floor and eat because any attempt at putting a glass at a spot at the table and getting somebody to not sit there was bound to fail. We sat on the floor and joked around. We all ate a lot it seemed, at least for girls, and even beginning to look like we ate a lot for boys at that point.

After lunch another adult leader shared, and it was interesting to see her share because her daughter was also in our group and I think that it is much harder to share things with family than it is to share with friends, but that may just be my opinion. After she had shared and explained that we all have our gifts from God, some come earlier in life and others you may find out later on that we just need to be patient with him and they will come to us, and God will never stop working in us. We broke into small groups again and we each were to fill out sheets according to what skills we thought that we had. We spent a good ten or twenty minutes filling out the sheets then we started to discuss our results with our group. On one of the sheets I was very mixed because we had to choose one side or the other, and that was hard for me because each side seemed to be half of what I did and so I would be stuck in the middle on both. I felt so undecided and unable to actually be on one side or the other. While going through our results everybody would tell me to try to pick one of the sides, which one I thought that I was the most. On the topic of which whether I was an introvert or an extrovert I chose introvert, simply because I was holding so many things inside my head and not telling anybody what was really on my head for that day, that I was really just thinking about my attempt the year before. They all said they saw me as an extrovert which was quite surprising to me. we then continued to talk about things and then i decided to be more open and I shared what was really going through my head and that I was just having a really off day due to the whole fact that I had attempted exactly one year before, and almost to the minute at that point in time. It was something that I will never be able to forget no matter how much I try, though I'm not too sure I should forget it. it was so nerve racking to e open, but it was also nice, again with the mixed feelings on things.

I had it on my mind and my heart on how much I really needed to be able to thank my parents and be able to tell them how thankful I am that they have been there so much for the last year.I decided to just break the no phone rule real quick and text my parents what was on my heart. I told them how much I appreciated what they have done for the last knowing that it certainly was not easy. I felt a whole lot better after that and while we were talking during dinner I explained to some people how weird it was to think that it had already been a year since I had attempted and how much different I felt and how much happier I was that I was there, I remember the person who had shared earlier that day rubbing my back in a caring way because I was beginning to tear up, of people mentioned that they couldn't get it out of their head either and that they were avoiding one of the rooms in the house because that was where a few of them were informed that I was in the intensive care unit for trying to kill myself., it hurt to hear them say that, that I was the reason they couldn't go somewhere.



We started the prayer labyrinth, which was one of the moments in the trip that you could totally see God working in. There was different rooms and each room had its own activity. I went to the prayer room first in the labyrinth because I really just wanted to be silent and pray and be able to enjoy things. I was able to just have a little conversation on God on why he decided to have so many mixed feelings going through my head and why I was just nervous about everything, it felt so nice to be able to pray and to be able to just be alone with God. I felt refreshed again and that things would be just fine, even though it may not have totally felt like it at that moment I knew that it would be okay because God was always there and he put some pretty spectacular people in my life.

The next room in the prayer labyrinth that I went to was in the basement, it was where the person who I connected to in the car was. She was talking and being so open about her struggles down there and we all were just sitting and listening and she was saying how she knew that God was working in her life and how it used to be hard for her to go back home because it reminded her of her past, but with time it got better and now she loves going home. We all started talking about our struggles and I mentioned that I had attempted the year before so I understand the whole reaching rock bottom thing. Some other girls shared their experiences of having to be in therapy and also having to be hospitalized, it was one of those moments where there was no possible way you could feel alone in your struggles. God put us all in that basement so he could help us see that it was okay, and that it was normal to struggle, but then we all talked about how much life has improved since we had let him back into our lives. Some people talked about their struggles with their parents and how they dealt with things involving that. My heart just felt so amazing at that point. I knew God would make me feel better and he certainly did.

The prayer labyrinth was soon over and we all met back up in the living room to do some debriefing and talking and singing some worship music together. I started trying to think of one word to describe my life, one word that I wanted to follow, because that was our second art project, we had to think of one word, write it our and decorate it however we wanted and then frame it. I was so stuck between so many words because God had been working so much in my life and I wasn't sure on what I really wanted to work on improving. I prayed about it and just hoped that he word put a word in my heart. By the end of the worship time I knew exactly what I wanted my word to be, I knew my word had to be GRATEFUL. Because that's exactly how I felt, I felt grateful for the people I had in my life especially my parents and my friends and I had so many blessings that the list could just go on and on. I started working on my word and wrote it out and was happy with how it looked and it was soon time to go to bed so I picked up my pillowcase that everybody had written on during part of the labyrinth and there were a few that stood out to me. FORGIVEN was written on my pillowcase three times, and I was hoping so much that it was a certain three people that I was best friends with the year before but when my depression got to its worst point they had a hard time with all of the things that I did so we lost touch and I was so nervous to be around them. I was so happy to see that and it was exactly what I needed to end my day, I was at tears to see that because that was what was bothering me the most about that day, was the people I hurt, and to see forgiven meant so much.

It was soon our last day of the trip and we all continued to work on our words and we had a prayer and worship service in the morning. It was an open time and we all mentioned our God moments of the weekend, me mentioning the pillowcase and what was written on it and how it was exactly what I needed, and also thanking car girl(haha) for being so open and raw with us that weekend. One if the people who I figured and hoped had written the forgiven then mentioned how she felt the same way I did how looking at the year before to this year was such a change, the year before not only I was broken, but she was broken, she was broken mostly because I tried to kill myself, and then for her to be so open about that and to say how that has changed made it so I just felt so loved, so blessed by God. By the time the weekend was over I felt so amazing, so rejuvenated and refreshed. my word and frame turned out to look much better than I could have ever wished for and I bonded with people I didn't expect to. I thought it would be a bad weekend but it turned out to be one of the best weekends of my life.

God works in amazing ways.

Give it time.

Pray about it.

He will work in you.

Trust in Him.

Expect the unexpected.

And love life for all that it is, even though it may be crazy and hard to deal with, in the end it is totally worth it!!!