four years...

4 years since I saw her. Four whole years. I really was unsure as to how to feel today as I realized that today was the 21st. My mother and I have never had a relationship really. yes she brought me into this world, but she hasn't walked with me through it as many of my friends would know. For a long time this put something hard in my heart, it made me unsure of many things and it aided the depression that was in my life.

Many times I blamed myself as to why my mother was not with me. I thought that I was not good enough and that I was too horrible to love. My parents got divorced when I was only seven and I did not know what to think really. For a year my mom was still in the picture as she lived with my grandmother and in this state. Christmas morning would be with Dad and then grandma and mom would come and pick us up. After that she started meeting guys and she started moving around, so I lost the connection I had with her.

Right before I started fifth grade I went to spend a week with my mom in Iowa. I was nervous as it had been 3 years since I had seen her and I was going to meet my new Step-dad. I really was looking forward to the trip to get some quality time with my mom. Things did not go how I planned to say the least. My new stepdad drank and scared the crap out of me driving and my mom gambled. It was the first time I saw that she really did have a gambling problem. she even used my money saying she needed it for food and gambled with that. When the week was comign to an end I was thrilled. I didn't want to tell my dad what had truly happened in case I did someday want to see her again.

In seventh grade my mom came to town to bring my brother to some court dates. I happened to be playing basketball at the time so she decided that it would be a great idea to come and watch the game that I had for that week. She came to my game abotu halfway through, and only stayed for about ten minutes and then left. I only got to say hi to here when she was there and then she was gone. The next play I got tripped and broke my arm, ofcourse my mom having just left and my dad not having gone to the game because she was going to be there. The school didn't bother to call my dad so I had to wait until we got back to our school.

In tenth grade I gto a call. My mom was coming to town again.I was about to leave for a weekend trip in Indiana. We arranged to meet that Sunday as I would get back really late Saturday night. It was goign to be the first time I would see her in 3 years and I was scared. I did not knwo what I was goign to say or do and as we finally got to the place we weould be staying that friday night I was unable to sleep no matter how early I had woken up that morning. Some friends made me go tal to our youth pastor who I really did nto know as he was new. We ended up sititng in a circle in the middle of the hallway and just talked about eveyrhting that was going on my head with those two friends and it was an amazing experience that to this day has always touched my heart. That was the day I learned that God has put certain people in my life for a reason. I still talk and trust that youth pastor for advice and see him as sort of a mentor even if he does not know it. After the long conversation and realizing we all had to be up in two hours I felt a lot better about the meeting I would have with my mom that sunday.

After a long day of working and building and enjoying God we all took a break. It was 4 in the afternoon and we would soon be heading out to get on the road. I called my aunt who would be picking me up the next day to take me to my grandmas to see my mom to see that eveyrthing was all set up and planned. When I called she sounded surprised and had to give me some bad news and informed me that we would not be able to get together the next day as scheduling didn't quite work out with my mom. A few minutes later I got a call from my mom saying what my aunt had just told me. I was absolutely heartbroken. I ddin't want to talk to anyone about it. I was silent for the entire carride home. When my dad picked me up he told me he was sorry and would drive me to church in the morning.

The service really hit me hard that sunday. As I hadn't planned on being there in the first place and I still remember my youthpastor taling about this teacher who had reunited with their mom after many years. I was bawling at this point. I couldn't take it anymore, I felt so hurt and broken that she had cancelled on me after I had felt so confident about seeing her again. My youthpastor came over and just hugged me and told me it would be okay as did someone else who I had not met before. I never felt that loved before, and cared for and it was something that had shown me what church is truly about.

That Tuesday, Novemeber 21st 2006 wwas the first time I saw my mom. we met at my highschool and my sister and I drove in one car and my mom and my new stepdad drove in the other to portillos as that was what my mother wanted. We talked awkwardly and then went to the mall and my mom got my hopes up. Promising to call and be there. I fell for it. I called my youthpastor the next day to tell him how it went as that was what he had asked me to do. After about a month and hearing nothing from her I decided to write her a letter and tell her how I truly felt. I got the courage a year later to actually send it.

Today marks four years. A heartwrenching and difficult four years to say the least. But I feel like I am fianlly in a stage where I am okay with the fact that she isn't there and that she probably never will be. I have a family that loves me and a step mom who has been there for me through my hardest points. I am also blessed with other people I tend to call family as the church has provided many moms for me and many other people have come into my life and have inspired me. I know that it will not always be easy not having my real mom in my life sometimes I think that it is harder knowing she is alive and noth there than if she weren't in existence anymore, but I am happy with who I have to support me. I know one day seeing her again may come up and I'm done getting my hopes up, I'm done doign things to simply please her, but if she is going to see me it shall be on my terms.

My heart is in the right place and that I am sure. I have forgiven her for what she has done but I have also come to realize that I must put my mental state and myself first in this situation.