So yesterday was my birthday. I would've written about this yesterday if it wasn't for the pure exhaustion that my body felt yesterday.
My friends at school surprised me, with balloons and cake and a bunch of totally me, totally random things. I felt so blessed by them for doing that, but when i got to reading all of the nice thigns they wrote in my card they all wrote how I deserved all of the things they had done. WHat they didn't know was that in my head I was having the biggest argument with that statement in my head. I for one do not think I deserve happiness or friends a majority of the time. I am spoiled with the people and the love I have around me and I don't deserve it. I realized that I kept saying that in my head every time somebody told me to have a happy birthday because I definitely deserved it. I now realize that if I continue this train of thought I might as well start therapy again. I am blessed by so many, and I make an extraordinary amount of mistakes. I know I'm human, but sometimes I think I am always doing more harm to others than good. I do community service and give advice to my friends when I can, but I do the community service because it tends to make me feel good, and yes other benefit from this, but I still benefit too.
I know I deserve thigns in life, I just don't note it a majority of the time or believe ti most fo the time. I always want to put others first. Somebody i neevr put first is my Grandma. She called me yesterday and I could hear the depression in her voice. We talked abotu everything until her phone died. I learned a lot of things. I learned that she had been very sick in the hospital. I learned that she lost her job. I realized she hadn't seen my nieces/her great grandchildren since Christmas 2008, that was when my sister in-law was pregnant with the 2cd niece, so my grandma has not met her. I never call my grandma, and for that I am horrible. Whenever I remember to call her it seems to be at the worst time possible, when I'm at work or simply at 2 in the morning and my mind goes crazy.
After talking to her I have made a new project for myself. This project is one where I am going to make her a photo album of her great grandchildren. I have so many pictures of them and I need to share them with my grandma. this project will also involve me writing her monthly, writing as in postage stamps being involved. I need to see her before I leave, and I need her to know how much I really do love her... Time is just going by so fast and the last person I seem to make time for is her .
I know I rant on here alot.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
work schmerk
Today I worked 8hrs. 8hrs at my store is something that nobody comes by. 8Hrs is something I do not enjoy. I do not enjoy being nagged at by customers, or questioned on every single price on every single item they purchase.I do however appreciate the customers who make me smile, and are my "regulars".
It's really depressing at work when you start before eveyrbody else, and get off after everybody else. And starting at 7am does not help the fact that I hate my job. I have a feeling my bosses currently hate me. I think this because since the day I told them I got another job they have been giving me the crappy shifts.Maybe they wish they were me, but their time has passed for that and the only job they will have had their entire life is working in that horrible store.
Working makes me look forward to my new job even more. I can't help but be excited for all of the people I am going to meet, for the kids I will get to work with and simply doing something I love and getting paid for it. I question if I can make it at my current job without losing my sanity...but I think I can=)
Only 19hours until my birthday party.
Only 2days and 1 hour until my birthday.
Only one month and 12 days until I leave my current job.
ANNNDDD ONLY 50Days until I get to leave for Rim Rock and meet all what I am sure will be stellar coworkers. =)
It's really depressing at work when you start before eveyrbody else, and get off after everybody else. And starting at 7am does not help the fact that I hate my job. I have a feeling my bosses currently hate me. I think this because since the day I told them I got another job they have been giving me the crappy shifts.Maybe they wish they were me, but their time has passed for that and the only job they will have had their entire life is working in that horrible store.
Working makes me look forward to my new job even more. I can't help but be excited for all of the people I am going to meet, for the kids I will get to work with and simply doing something I love and getting paid for it. I question if I can make it at my current job without losing my sanity...but I think I can=)
Only 19hours until my birthday party.
Only 2days and 1 hour until my birthday.
Only one month and 12 days until I leave my current job.
ANNNDDD ONLY 50Days until I get to leave for Rim Rock and meet all what I am sure will be stellar coworkers. =)
Thursday, April 15, 2010
4am,paper writing, insanity maybe
So it's 4:45am. I have just finished my final touches on my art paper. I think I might actually get an A on this paper, which is a true miracle. I am not going to say that I enjoyed writing this paper, but I realized while writing this that I actually did pay attention in photography senior year despite popular belief.
I did not spend the entire time I got home from church writing this paper. I got home around 10:45, updated my wonderful distraction A.K.A Facebook and tried to get to work. I worked for an hr, but then sleepiness defeated me, having been up since 6am for my stupid math class. I set my alarm for 3:30am and got some shut-eye.
I somehow woke up before my wonderful alarm went off, which is a true miracle and when I started writing I knew that the paper would be good in my standards, which is saying a whole lot. When it comes to papers my OCD kicks in and they have to be perfect,I don't know why I am such a freak about it when it comes to any document on WORD but anything I type here is okay if it isn't perfect; in fact, I'm probably not going to spell-check this because I just could care less about spelling right now.
Tonight at church we watched "The Finger of God" a movie about miracles God performs all around the world, where gold teeth appear in peoples mouths, gold dust sprinkles crotches at church and gems that are 100%perfect appear out of nowhere. When watching at first I just thought the people were insane, but I realized I am apparently "ye of little faith" and for that God I'm sorry. I am sorry I was doubting all of these things during the movie, because I of all people should never doubt you. I say that I of all people shouldn't doubt God because I've been told time and time again I shouldn't have lived through my attempt, that I should have permanent damage to my organs, but here I am totally healthy in that aspect.
On my drive home I prayed, turned off my music and tried to ignore the fact that my car sounded horrible and just prayed to God. I'm stressed about the summer and was especially stressed about my art paper. I am not one who is good at art, so ti have to write a paper on something I'm just not good at comprehending was something that was a true challenge for me. I got home and that paper writing still wasn't going well, but when I woke up after my nap I felt rejuvenated and filled with knowledge. I have a feeling God definately had something to do with that. And that's why he amazes me. I'm less stressed as of now. But reality has been setting in. There is so much for me to do, and to look at it all at once is scary, but to do each thing in their own entity is much more calming. To look at projects one by one its okay, to believe in myself is even better.
I doubt myself A LOT. I think I probably always will. I won't admit to the compliments people give me, not to be silly, but simply because I don't believe them. My boyfriend won't give up on it though, and that's one of the aspects that make me love him more. His ability to cheer me up no matter what, to know what will make me smile. How I can just fall asleep holding his hand sitting in his car and that can be the best moment of my week. I know God has put him in my life for a reason. I know God has done everything in my life for one reason or another. I never understood most of it, and some of it I probably never will. God has created me to be who I am. I am odd, I procrastinate, and apparently 3hrs of sleep is sufficient enough. I need to love me the way others do, because I simply don't love me most of the time. I like me all of the time, but love and like are two different things. Like is a big step though, seeing that I hated myself so much I tried to end it all.
I am changing, its a working process, but the person I am now compared to the person I was a year and a half ago are completely different. Most people say they see the change, but there are others I wish would. I wish they could see how much I care, and how much it hurts me inside. I am trying, sometimes failing, but continuously trying.
5:10AM I think It's time to take some doggies for a walk... Dad probably won't be happy with me and my sleeping habits...
I did not spend the entire time I got home from church writing this paper. I got home around 10:45, updated my wonderful distraction A.K.A Facebook and tried to get to work. I worked for an hr, but then sleepiness defeated me, having been up since 6am for my stupid math class. I set my alarm for 3:30am and got some shut-eye.
I somehow woke up before my wonderful alarm went off, which is a true miracle and when I started writing I knew that the paper would be good in my standards, which is saying a whole lot. When it comes to papers my OCD kicks in and they have to be perfect,I don't know why I am such a freak about it when it comes to any document on WORD but anything I type here is okay if it isn't perfect; in fact, I'm probably not going to spell-check this because I just could care less about spelling right now.
Tonight at church we watched "The Finger of God" a movie about miracles God performs all around the world, where gold teeth appear in peoples mouths, gold dust sprinkles crotches at church and gems that are 100%perfect appear out of nowhere. When watching at first I just thought the people were insane, but I realized I am apparently "ye of little faith" and for that God I'm sorry. I am sorry I was doubting all of these things during the movie, because I of all people should never doubt you. I say that I of all people shouldn't doubt God because I've been told time and time again I shouldn't have lived through my attempt, that I should have permanent damage to my organs, but here I am totally healthy in that aspect.
On my drive home I prayed, turned off my music and tried to ignore the fact that my car sounded horrible and just prayed to God. I'm stressed about the summer and was especially stressed about my art paper. I am not one who is good at art, so ti have to write a paper on something I'm just not good at comprehending was something that was a true challenge for me. I got home and that paper writing still wasn't going well, but when I woke up after my nap I felt rejuvenated and filled with knowledge. I have a feeling God definately had something to do with that. And that's why he amazes me. I'm less stressed as of now. But reality has been setting in. There is so much for me to do, and to look at it all at once is scary, but to do each thing in their own entity is much more calming. To look at projects one by one its okay, to believe in myself is even better.
I doubt myself A LOT. I think I probably always will. I won't admit to the compliments people give me, not to be silly, but simply because I don't believe them. My boyfriend won't give up on it though, and that's one of the aspects that make me love him more. His ability to cheer me up no matter what, to know what will make me smile. How I can just fall asleep holding his hand sitting in his car and that can be the best moment of my week. I know God has put him in my life for a reason. I know God has done everything in my life for one reason or another. I never understood most of it, and some of it I probably never will. God has created me to be who I am. I am odd, I procrastinate, and apparently 3hrs of sleep is sufficient enough. I need to love me the way others do, because I simply don't love me most of the time. I like me all of the time, but love and like are two different things. Like is a big step though, seeing that I hated myself so much I tried to end it all.
I am changing, its a working process, but the person I am now compared to the person I was a year and a half ago are completely different. Most people say they see the change, but there are others I wish would. I wish they could see how much I care, and how much it hurts me inside. I am trying, sometimes failing, but continuously trying.
5:10AM I think It's time to take some doggies for a walk... Dad probably won't be happy with me and my sleeping habits...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
bikes and stress
For me riding my bike is my favorite way to get rid of stress. It may take a little more time to get to and from where I'm at, but it's so relaxing to just pedal away your problems. Today I rode my bike to school, not only because I had some stress that I hoped to get rid of, but I also didn't want to drive my car, because that is one of the things that stress me out majorly.
Whenever my car goes over a bump I can hear the exhaust jump up and then back down, and I'm afraid that anyday now it will simply fall off. I need a new car, but being a poor teenager saying and actually getting a new car is a totally different thing. I am really hoping that after this summer I can get a new car that doesn't stress me majorly, but I am going to enjoy my bicycle as much as possible.
Whenever my car goes over a bump I can hear the exhaust jump up and then back down, and I'm afraid that anyday now it will simply fall off. I need a new car, but being a poor teenager saying and actually getting a new car is a totally different thing. I am really hoping that after this summer I can get a new car that doesn't stress me majorly, but I am going to enjoy my bicycle as much as possible.
Monday, April 12, 2010
LIFE
I love my life most of the time.
Though I have my moments that I don't.
Sometimes I question if God is truly working in things, but my questioning ends when my prayers are answered. This happens over and over again, but I constantly question him still. This summer I am going to a camp and it seemed like my parents werent being there for me like I had depended on them to be, they were going to drive me for this long trip, but informed me otherwise. I felt like it was all crashing down and that I would lose the amazing opportunity that I had been granted. Like God was waving it in front of my eyes only to take it away. I remember feeling like that when I was in the hospital and the numerous times they said I would go home at the end of the day, then jsut hours later that would all change. I would be so happy to be able to go home and I would call my Dad during our lunch and inform him that I would be able to go home, and he would be excited too, and then sure enough it would change and I would just go silent for the rest of the day.
I feel sometimes things seem too good to be true and that worried me. I have such a wonderful life and I still have those moments in which I can't get this feeling of the happiness disapperaing. Maybe that's why I try not to get my hopes up anymore. Why i just don't set standards because once I do it will all go wrong and not according to plan. I need to just trust in God and that life may be a rollercoaster, but it will all work out in the end.
I rant alot and for that I'm sorry, but I've determined this isn't read by anybody except the other half of my insanity.
Though I have my moments that I don't.
Sometimes I question if God is truly working in things, but my questioning ends when my prayers are answered. This happens over and over again, but I constantly question him still. This summer I am going to a camp and it seemed like my parents werent being there for me like I had depended on them to be, they were going to drive me for this long trip, but informed me otherwise. I felt like it was all crashing down and that I would lose the amazing opportunity that I had been granted. Like God was waving it in front of my eyes only to take it away. I remember feeling like that when I was in the hospital and the numerous times they said I would go home at the end of the day, then jsut hours later that would all change. I would be so happy to be able to go home and I would call my Dad during our lunch and inform him that I would be able to go home, and he would be excited too, and then sure enough it would change and I would just go silent for the rest of the day.
I feel sometimes things seem too good to be true and that worried me. I have such a wonderful life and I still have those moments in which I can't get this feeling of the happiness disapperaing. Maybe that's why I try not to get my hopes up anymore. Why i just don't set standards because once I do it will all go wrong and not according to plan. I need to just trust in God and that life may be a rollercoaster, but it will all work out in the end.
I rant alot and for that I'm sorry, but I've determined this isn't read by anybody except the other half of my insanity.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
[insert logical title here]
Many think I am one who is nosy, and yes I am at times. Many think its rude and I know it is, but lets look at it all from my perspective...
All around me everybody is talking, like at church and at school, but I'm not involved in any of these conversations because it seems that nobody wants to talk to me, like i'm not worth their time; so my system is if maybe I can get involved in a conversation by going "waiit, what happened?" when somebody says something that maybe they will involve me in their conversation. I am so tired of always standing in the middle while everybody around me talks, and when somebody does finally talk to me it only lasts for a minute because somebody more interesting walks by and they want to go and have a conversation with them. I feel like nobody see's me as interesting or worth the time to talk to, and I'm sorry for interupting conversations and being what may seem nosy, I just want somebody to talk to, somebody who wants to talk to me. At church I don't get this often and feel so alone in a room crowded with people. I'm the oddball it seems. I just don't know what to do about it...
All around me everybody is talking, like at church and at school, but I'm not involved in any of these conversations because it seems that nobody wants to talk to me, like i'm not worth their time; so my system is if maybe I can get involved in a conversation by going "waiit, what happened?" when somebody says something that maybe they will involve me in their conversation. I am so tired of always standing in the middle while everybody around me talks, and when somebody does finally talk to me it only lasts for a minute because somebody more interesting walks by and they want to go and have a conversation with them. I feel like nobody see's me as interesting or worth the time to talk to, and I'm sorry for interupting conversations and being what may seem nosy, I just want somebody to talk to, somebody who wants to talk to me. At church I don't get this often and feel so alone in a room crowded with people. I'm the oddball it seems. I just don't know what to do about it...
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