4am,paper writing, insanity maybe

So it's 4:45am. I have just finished my final touches on my art paper. I think I might actually get an A on this paper, which is a true miracle. I am not going to say that I enjoyed writing this paper, but I realized while writing this that I actually did pay attention in photography senior year despite popular belief.

I did not spend the entire time I got home from church writing this paper. I got home around 10:45, updated my wonderful distraction A.K.A Facebook and tried to get to work. I worked for an hr, but then sleepiness defeated me, having been up since 6am for my stupid math class. I set my alarm for 3:30am and got some shut-eye.

I somehow woke up before my wonderful alarm went off, which is a true miracle and when I started writing I knew that the paper would be good in my standards, which is saying a whole lot. When it comes to papers my OCD kicks in and they have to be perfect,I don't know why I am such a freak about it when it comes to any document on WORD but anything I type here is okay if it isn't perfect; in fact, I'm probably not going to spell-check this because I just could care less about spelling right now.

Tonight at church we watched "The Finger of God" a movie about miracles God performs all around the world, where gold teeth appear in peoples mouths, gold dust sprinkles crotches at church and gems that are 100%perfect appear out of nowhere. When watching at first I just thought the people were insane, but I realized I am apparently "ye of little faith" and for that God I'm sorry. I am sorry I was doubting all of these things during the movie, because I of all people should never doubt you. I say that I of all people shouldn't doubt God because I've been told time and time again I shouldn't have lived through my attempt, that I should have permanent damage to my organs, but here I am totally healthy in that aspect.

On my drive home I prayed, turned off my music and tried to ignore the fact that my car sounded horrible and just prayed to God. I'm stressed about the summer and was especially stressed about my art paper. I am not one who is good at art, so ti have to write a paper on something I'm just not good at comprehending was something that was a true challenge for me. I got home and that paper writing still wasn't going well, but when I woke up after my nap I felt rejuvenated and filled with knowledge. I have a feeling God definately had something to do with that. And that's why he amazes me. I'm less stressed as of now. But reality has been setting in. There is so much for me to do, and to look at it all at once is scary, but to do each thing in their own entity is much more calming. To look at projects one by one its okay, to believe in myself is even better.

I doubt myself A LOT. I think I probably always will. I won't admit to the compliments people give me, not to be silly, but simply because I don't believe them. My boyfriend won't give up on it though, and that's one of the aspects that make me love him more. His ability to cheer me up no matter what, to know what will make me smile. How I can just fall asleep holding his hand sitting in his car and that can be the best moment of my week. I know God has put him in my life for a reason. I know God has done everything in my life for one reason or another. I never understood most of it, and some of it I probably never will. God has created me to be who I am. I am odd, I procrastinate, and apparently 3hrs of sleep is sufficient enough. I need to love me the way others do, because I simply don't love me most of the time. I like me all of the time, but love and like are two different things. Like is a big step though, seeing that I hated myself so much I tried to end it all.
I am changing, its a working process, but the person I am now compared to the person I was a year and a half ago are completely different. Most people say they see the change, but there are others I wish would. I wish they could see how much I care, and how much it hurts me inside. I am trying, sometimes failing, but continuously trying.

5:10AM I think It's time to take some doggies for a walk... Dad probably won't be happy with me and my sleeping habits...