hmmph

So yesterday was my birthday. I would've written about this yesterday if it wasn't for the pure exhaustion that my body felt yesterday.

My friends at school surprised me, with balloons and cake and a bunch of totally me, totally random things. I felt so blessed by them for doing that, but when i got to reading all of the nice thigns they wrote in my card they all wrote how I deserved all of the things they had done. WHat they didn't know was that in my head I was having the biggest argument with that statement in my head. I for one do not think I deserve happiness or friends a majority of the time. I am spoiled with the people and the love I have around me and I don't deserve it. I realized that I kept saying that in my head every time somebody told me to have a happy birthday because I definitely deserved it. I now realize that if I continue this train of thought I might as well start therapy again. I am blessed by so many, and I make an extraordinary amount of mistakes. I know I'm human, but sometimes I think I am always doing more harm to others than good. I do community service and give advice to my friends when I can, but I do the community service because it tends to make me feel good, and yes other benefit from this, but I still benefit too.

I know I deserve thigns in life, I just don't note it a majority of the time or believe ti most fo the time. I always want to put others first. Somebody i neevr put first is my Grandma. She called me yesterday and I could hear the depression in her voice. We talked abotu everything until her phone died. I learned a lot of things. I learned that she had been very sick in the hospital. I learned that she lost her job. I realized she hadn't seen my nieces/her great grandchildren since Christmas 2008, that was when my sister in-law was pregnant with the 2cd niece, so my grandma has not met her. I never call my grandma, and for that I am horrible. Whenever I remember to call her it seems to be at the worst time possible, when I'm at work or simply at 2 in the morning and my mind goes crazy.

After talking to her I have made a new project for myself. This project is one where I am going to make her a photo album of her great grandchildren. I have so many pictures of them and I need to share them with my grandma. this project will also involve me writing her monthly, writing as in postage stamps being involved. I need to see her before I leave, and I need her to know how much I really do love her... Time is just going by so fast and the last person I seem to make time for is her .

I know I rant on here alot.