lots of thoughts!

Thought #1:

Two months and five days. Two months and five days until I leave, well until I arrive in West Virginia. I'm excited and nervous and simply confused at times. I am excited for the fact that I will be working with kids all summer and in a beautiful area meeting lots of new people from all around the world. I'm nervous simply because I will be far away from all of those people that I love so dearly and out of what has become my "comfort zone"; my parents make me nervous be ause they keep asking questions as though they do not think that I am capable of being away from home for three months, they think that I will get depressed, which in turn begins to worry me that I will. I will miss all of the people at my church and that boy who makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Thought #2:

Just about a year ago I finished writing a book. This book was about my whole hospital experience. I at first wrote this book because it was what my counselor had told me that I needed to do, and so I did. At first I didn't think I would write a book, but by the time I had written for jusft afew days out of everything I decided to turn it into a book, about the whole experience of being in the hospital. I finished the book only a short while after my last day at the hospital and figured that was accomplishment enough. I wrote like I would normally do in my journal after that. It wasn't until about a month ago that I decided to re-write the book that I had already written, feeling the OCD and perfectionism habits in my life. I started rewriting it and this week, three nights ago I felt like God was finally telling me something about thatbook. He was telling me that there was something that was going to be totally different about it this time around. And after I read what I had started typing I realized that it was alreayd a totally different book, it still had all of the same facts, but there was a total change of heart in it for me. I was crying three nights ago because I realized that this book to me was now all about CHANGE, and no, not the change that everybody keeps mocking Obama for. This change was the type of mental and emotional change that has happened in my heart over the last year, as the depression subsided and something that I hadnt felt in a long time came out. That something was Happiness. I have been happy, truly and totally happy. Now I'm nto saying I don't still struggle with depression or that my brain has simply turned off, because that would be lying to myself and the invisible person I am writing to. I probably will always struggle with depression, but the way in which I handle it and how I let it pass is something that is totally different. It is surprising to me when people tell me that I am a different person, because I think I am most fo the time, but I don't really think its all too apparent. Everybody says I'm so much happier than before, they can see it in the way I interact, but I always thought I hid my depression well, I guess I was wrong.

So my book, that will be done eventually, that may have many editions is all about my life, and that may seem boring, butr I'd like to think that my life is interesting, and this is nto my life as somebody else would observe it, but it's all about my deep thoughts, how I perceive everything, and well you will get a taste of what it is to get inside my brain and maybe you too will see the change that I have seen in myself.

I rant alot if you haven't noticed, this is nothing compared to what my brain does to me,and there's only one rant so far after being about 100 pages into this book, the revised and mucho better edition.

Talk to you later invisible person.